Floating Bottles Out to Sea

Relevance?

2011-12-03T11:30:00.000-08:00

I used to take the time out to sit down and think…

I used to have stories and things to share…

Opinions to offer…

I used to write things…

And I used to get a small feeling of relevance from that, at times.

Life gets busy though…

It seems the older I get the less time I have to myself…

Even my “me” time isn’t mine and mine alone.

My space is perpetually shared.

The days turn into weeks and the weeks turn into months…

I miss the seams…

And next thing I know…

It’s another white day in December and August is just a distant ripple on the surface of my memory.

The summers seem to grow shorter every year…

I truly miss the light.

When I was a kid summers seemed almost endless…

Age and time have slain that illusion.

However, winter still seems endless?

The cold is bitter and it makes my whole body stiff.

It makes it hard to move.

The only thing I like about winter is how warm it is under the covers in the morning…

and how cool the air in the rest of the room is.

Getting out of the bed is another story…

Trying to lift the covers is like trying to turn the last page at the end of a good book…

You know?

At any rate…

Here I am.

I just wanted to feel relevant for a minute.

~M.J.

I love him so...

2011-10-01T18:24:00.000-07:00

He follows me everywhere I go.

Even at 3 in he mornin' when I get up thirsty...

and wander into the kitchen with my eyes half shut...

He is right there at my heels,

watching my every step...

makin' sure that I'm ok...

and that i don't forget that his cookies are right there in that cupboard to the left.

:-)

I DO love him so...

my little Squal.

Mon petit...

Earl.

In Wait...

2011-07-16T08:11:00.000-07:00

Its been quiet…

and so…

I have been laying softly in the tall grass…

Finding pleasure in the lull.

Time slips by so quietly that I barely hear the breeze it leaves in its wake some days.

The sun rises and sets…

The tides roll in and sweep back out…

The moon waxes and wanes…

With hardly a whisper of all that they steal away with each passing day and night.

I see my children getting older…

The residents around the way…

one by one fade to black…

New loves and lives replace them,

for each out, there is an in.

We all fade away…

And I’ll fade away too.

This ride only lasts so long…

It’s been real.

(So Far)

Flipping Road Ragers the Bird... and Other BAD Ideas.

2011-06-21T12:19:00.000-07:00

i had an unusual and interesting fathers day this year.

i went out and grabbed some groceries with my boys in the morning... and around 11:00 my husband called my cell asking if i would stop at Subway, grab him some lunch, and bring it by the job site, as he was working and hungry.

"NO PROBLEM!" says i... so i drove to Subway with my boys and decided to grab us ALL some lunch since we were already there and i was feeling lazyish.

we get our sandwiches and head out. As we are going along Seacliff Drive... i miss my turn and have to pull into a flower place to turn around and get going back in the right direction. i wait for a few migrant workers to go by on their bicycles and i pull out... the road i need to turn on is less than half a mile back... so im travelling about 2 kilometres per hour below the posted maximum so i can read the street signs as not to miss it a second time... i look into my rear view mirror and this dude comes flyin up behind me and starts tail gating me because im not going fast enough for him, i guess?

... i roll my eyes... say a few choice words under my breath and keep going.

crazy guy pulls out to pass me like we are in a race... so...

bad idea #1: i flip him the bird as i make my turn.... and think nothing of it other than something along the lines of, "what a jack ass".

well...

As my luck would have it... this MF turned around and chased me down!

He came speeding up beside me in a residential neighbourhood and tried to cut me off unsuccessfully. i round a bend in the road, going a normal speed... and pull into the driveway of the house where my husband is working.

i look at my boys and tell them to stay in the car as this maniacs SUV skids to a stop spraying little rocks into the air at the end of the driveway.

bad idea #2: i get outta my car like im 6 foot 7 and start walking towards this guy askin him "is there a problem?" .

He grabs a freakin' STICK outta his vehicle and comes at me like i just beat his kid! Cussin n screamin n gritting his teeth... callin me a few choice expletives... says he's tired of ass*ole drivers like me (who dont speed or tail gate apparently?) and says he ought to *and i quote* "smash my face" in and take his stick "upside my head".

YES YOU READ THAT RIGHT!

A grown-ass man... easily in his fifties... acting like an animal... threatened to smash my head in with a stick! ...CUZ I FLIPPED HIM THE BIRD!

i said "that sounds an aweful lot like a threat? are you threatening me? you DO see that im a woman dont you?"

and he says "yea, im threatening you!" ... just like that!

like it weren't nothing outta the ordinary.

hes lookin down at me... shakin his stick yellin.

im lookin up at him... shakin my fist yellin RIGHT back!

i told him that i was going 2 under the speed limit and that 60 is the posted MAXIMUM... which means i can go as slow as i damn please... ESPECIALLY if i am about to make a turn! and that i wouldnt have flipped him off had he not been riding my ass!

the situation was escalating because neither me, n'or the crazy guy were backing down... and my son was extremely uncomfortable watching this man attack his mother, i guess... so he went into the house to get my husband.... who is a rather large (6'3-260lbs) and intimidating looking man, in my opinion.

as i am in the middle of this verbal confrontation with "mr douche bag of the day" i see the look on his face change from anger... to something resembling sheer terror... or WTF?!

i saw him get scared and i have to tell you... it felt DAMN good that i was able to strike fear into him... in my mind... at that moment... i was a freakin BADASS!

the guy does a 180 and starts heading back to his vehicle...

"yea... thats RIGHT!" i said as i walked briskly behind him... "get in yer truck and leave BIG MOUTH... im writing down your licence plate number and calling the police! you dont go around threatening to smash womens heads in buddy!"

... then i realized my husband was walking quite quickly behind the man too... so quickly in fact that he passed RIGHT by me and was out in the street before i knew it...

the guy starts drivin away... and julius (my husband) taps on his window and says "Did i just hear you threatening my wife?"

INSTANTLY... he starts to apologize as he is rolling down his window... not to me... TO MY HUSBAND!

"Oh im really REALLY sorry SIR... i got a little excited"... etc etc... basically what he was trying to say was, "please dont beat me into a bloody pulp!"

im standing behind julius saying, "oh yea... you're sorry now that a BIG man is in your face... but when its a little 5 foot woman... you're ALL BALLS HUH?"

Let me just say... the last thing i heard was julius very loudly tell the man, "You dont threaten MY WIFE... I DONT LIKE THAT!" through his thousand apologies... and he drove away... probably feeling very lucky.

julius told me that he was going to grab the guy by his collar and pull him right thru the window of his SUV... but he noticed that his seat belt was on... and that wouldnt have worked... plus... he likely would have caught a charge... so it was best he let the "man" leave in one piece... while not rapidly losing blood lol.

anyways... to make a long story LESS long...

Bad idea #3: telling the truth to the cops.

YES... i called the police to report the incident... i was upset once it was over... i realized the danger i was in after the fact... and once my adrenalin slowed down... my "woman-ness" kicked in... i told he police the story through tears and explained what had lead up to the incident... gave them the plate number and they said that theyd be going over to talk to the man.

once they called me back... they said that it was basically going to come down to his story against mine... and that I HAVE ROAD RAGE!

CAN YOU FREAKIN BELIEVE THAT?!?

they said he had road rage too... and his action was much more severe than mine... but that if i hadnt flipped him the bird... none of this woulda happened.

so... im just supposed to be ok with people tail gating and making it dangerous for me to drive while i have my children in the car?

i was pretty excited on the phone with the cop... who kept saying, "Please try to calm down, ma'am!".... and theres nothing more annoying than sumone tellin you to calm down when youre pissed and no where near as angry or loud as you COULD be!

AND GET THIS... he told the police that:

1. i cut him off.... which i did NOT!!

2. he didnt come after me with a stick... he walks WITH A CANE!

and the icing on the cake...

3. my husband came outta the house at him with a knife! LOL

(in his defence... not that i should be defending him... Julius DOES work with a carpenter's knife and actually DID have it in his hand when he walked out of the house... but he wasnt threatening him with it... we was working and called out to save his wife... he didnt hesitate... he just moved... whatever was in his hands came with him... imagine if he had had a hammer LOL!!)

so... i came home and took earl for a long walk to calm my nerves... i wore him right OUT!

what a day huh?

THIS STUFF would only happen to me.

i spent the evening playing cards at my dads like i do every sunday... then came home and went to bed with my hero....

what a lucky girl eh?

Where We Used To Live...

2011-05-25T08:41:00.000-07:00

Every day, provided it isn’t raining, I take my little dog for a walk… I started doing it about a year ago… he loves it… and I usually enjoy the time out of the house too… sometimes I think a lot… and sometimes I don’t think at all… I just walk and take it all in.

I live near the shore… we usually don’t venture too far from home… so I can hear the waves sometimes on windy days… the sea gulls crying… kids playing in the park… but, other times it’s quiet… quiet enough that all I can hear are our footsteps and the odd plane flying overhead.

As the weather has been getting nicer we have been travelling a little further and getting out of the neighborhood… just a few miles at the most… and last night I decided we’d walk over to my good friend Ivy’s.

We’ve walked to her house before…. It usually takes about an hour to get there… and I stick to main roads… especially at night because I’m a chicken, the smallest of noises sets my heart and mind to racing… I start playing out episodes of CSI in my head ... wondering where they’ll find my body! Earl isn’t exactly intimidating… a ten pound dog with an under bite isn’t much of a protector… although I’m sure he’d try, he DOES adore me, after all!

However, instead of taking Erie St., like we usually would, we charted an alternate route this time, Princess St. in fact… which just happened to be my “old neighborhood”... and I have to say… it was pretty nostalgic.

There is a big old white house with a red roof on the corner where Derek Toews used to live... my pace slowed as I walked past last night ... I let my fingertips ride the cobble-stone wall that still surrounds it… and remembered running along the top of that wall with bare feet in the summer rain… feeling the stones on my soles… the warmth of the days sun being washed away under my heels… I remembered the door in their yard that lead into the cellar… and I remember Derek trying to convince me to kiss him down there in the dark beside their lawn mower… the smell of grass clippings permeating my memory… I remember telling him I would NOT let him kiss me and thinking he was nothing but a disgusting boy, while reminding myself that I had to be nice to him because he was the only other kid on the block that was my age ... I didn’t ALWAYS want to play alone! I also remember him giving himself a “Mr. T” hair cut while I stood in the hallway “keepin’ six” for his mother… who was REALLY unimpressed!

You know… he told everyone that it was ME playing barber shop in their washroom with the scissors and his head! They moved shortly after that incident… I always kind of felt like it was my fault they left too, because his mother hated me after that...although I know it wasn’t, now.

It all came flooding back as I walked by…

My old house was next on the block… #52.

My parents lived in that house together. For a while, we were a complete family there… although I don’t remember it much, as they split when I was about 2.

The front porch is still the same, the old concrete blocks, so familiar, the same old cast mail box is still embedded in the wall… even the old spider web covered bushes were still growing in the front yard however, the steps have been re-done.

The wooden gate that lead to the back yard looked rickety as it ever did… and I started to wonder if the big old apricot tree I used to climb in was still standing back there.

I remember the ants on the peonies in the rock garden…

The creepy roses on the wall paper in my bedroom that twisted into scary faces and seemed to watch me at night until I fell asleep … somehow though, as if by magic, they would transform back into pretty pink flowers when the day light hit them.

The wooden grate that kept me from falling through the hole in the floor in the hall outside my bedroom... I used to peek through it late at night when I was supposed to be in bed ... spying on my daddy and whoever might have been with him at the time. (The house was built pre-duct-work-heating… I think the holes were there to let the heat get to the upstairs)

I remember dancing around the kitchen table with my dad to his Queen album… and the orangey-brown linoleum flooring….

I remember the little blue tiles in the shower and palm olive bubble baths with suds to the ceiling….

I was truly tempted to knock on the door… just to see if any of what I was reminiscing about was still intact… but I thought better of it… and just walked a little slower as I passed… and breathed it in.

The front porch still looked the same… and I could almost see my younger self, with my big brown eyes and gap toothed smile, sitting on those steps next to my brother, with his red hair and freckles, drinking orange pop out of glass bottles…

LOTS of good memories live there…

I guess sometimes taking a new road can bring you back to a place you used to be?

I really enjoyed last night’s walk…

How vividly I remember it all… do you remember where you first lived?

Seeing Her...

2011-04-21T23:14:00.000-07:00

"Do you think I'm Pretty?"

She asked... secretly searching his eyes for some sort of admiration or approval.

"What sort of question is that?"

He asked her in response...

"I was just wondering if you think I'm pretty, is all."

She said with a deep sigh... feeling a little small, defeated and undesirable... the way she often did.

"Of course I do," he smiled, "Don’t you?"

"No, not really," she said, the worry appearing plain as day on her face,

"but I'm glad you do."

She said softly... tears beginning to well up in her eyes.

He wrapped his big, strong arms around her engulfing her in his hulking frame, and squeezed her just a little... making her feel warm, safe and cared for.

"Do you love me?"

She whispered... as the lump in her throat got bigger... making it hard for her to swallow.

"What's gotten into you?" he asked her...

He reached down and held her face, turning it up towards his own, looked into her eyes and said…

"Of Course I do... I've loved you since the first time I saw you!"

She couldn't understand it...

She has always felt he was out of her league...

It scared her so…

to think that one day he might realize he could do better.

Wee Hoo!!!

2011-04-02T07:26:00.000-07:00

Happiness is excitement that has found a settling down place. But there is always a little corner that keeps flapping around.

~E.L. Konigsburg

... my little corner is flapping around

Words I Leave Unspoken...

2011-03-27T18:09:00.000-07:00

i miss you...

i miss we...

i miss talking and joking freely with you every day.

knowing that you were there laughing and smiling with me somehow defined a little bit of who i was... and now i feel definitionless... to an extent.... and incomplete.

i really am sorry...

i dont know if ive ever been more sorry in my life... but i do know that ive never felt worse for longer than this...

i love you way too much to ever do anything to hurt you intentionally...

id never betray you on purpose...

i f*cked up... i know i did... but dont i mean enough to merit a second chance?

or... do i mean anything at all?

maybe all ive ever been is words on a page... but you are more than that to me... you always have been.

am i going to get the cold shoulder and the one word responses for the rest of my life?

the last 2 months have been like an eternity for me...

i have cried more than id like to admit... i guess i care about you more than id like to admit too... and the fact that you could just stop treating me like ME so easily and quickly hurts me on a deeper level than you could possibly imagine.

i sort of feel like we poured our hearts out into eachother's hands... and im standing here frantically trying not to let everything youve given me slip thru my fingers... trying to hold it together... to somehow keep it safe... and youve washed your hands of me almost completely... hastily leaving just the smallest traces of me under your fingernails... just enough to bother you when you see it and be reminded that once upon a time...all that i am was there....

is it all in vain?

cant you forgive me?

will i never be the me i used to be to you again?

should i give up... let the last gulp of oxygen escape my lungs and surrender to the undertow... or should i keep holding my breath and wait to see if you'll dive in after me? or throw me line?

the suspense feels practically murderous...

inhumane and cruel...

my heart is sore...

it is wounded....

and im not sure it can hold out much longer....

i want to hang on to hope...

but IS it hope or am i holding onto a gun by the trigger...

am i about to shoot myself in the foot AGAIN?

if i let go...

would you forget me... i wonder?

just the thought of that hurts...

too much...

these words are all about me... my selfish needs and desires... my longing to get it back to good...

i dream at night of who i used to be... and sometimes... i dont want to wake up.

A Crack in the Foundation (a re-post)

2011-03-03T05:01:00.000-08:00

I can remember being very little and looking incredibly closely at my own face in the mirror.

I remember raising my eyebrows as high as I could, in an effort to acquire some wrinkles on my forehead… but it just wouldn't happen.

I wondered if maybe my forehead wasn’t quite fat enough to have rolls?

I’d position my fingertips over my eyes along my brows and press upwards to make tiniest of creases appear up there… and wish they would stay forever… but no sooner than I moved my hands… did they disappear.

I'm not entirely sure why I wanted them so badly?

But I did…

I wanted to have those distinguishing lines….

I also wanted some around my eyes when I laughed… just like my father had when he smiled his biggest, happiest smiles.

I loved his face; he smiled a lot for a man with so much on his shoulders... now that I think about it.

I wondered about what caused people like my dad to get those lines …

I remember someone once saying that wrinkles were caused by worry.

My father had custody of my older brother and I growing up… and there really wasn't any financial help from my mother… he worked hard, paid the bills, bought the groceries, cooked the dinner and did the dishes afterwards... still he smiled!

He managed to do it alone for a very long time… and I don’t ever remember feeling like I was missing anything… although I am sure there was plenty we went without.

I vaguely remember a few Christmas mornings that weren’t filled with all that material goodness so many of us have grown accustomed to… but I always had everything I needed…

Perhaps it was gravity that caused them... the wrinkles i mean?

Maybe it’s the weight of the world?

Pulling down on everything all the time, you know?

I guess… the older you get, the longer you have had to get used to carrying those things.

You know… THOSE THINGS ... that people tend to acquire over the years…

Before you know it… what once seemed too heavy to bare… eventually felt lighter and so you could throw more and more of THOSE THINGS onto your back without even considering that you were already carrying a LOT of heavy stuff… because it just wasn’t all that heavy anymore.

Does that make sense?

At any rate your endurance improves…
You are able to carry more for longer periods of time….

To me… it seems one becomes stronger and weaker with age … all at the same time.

Maybe people get wrinkles as a result of time, worry and gravity combined?

Perhaps wrinkles are cracks in the foundations of ourselves?

Like…

Time’s way of showing that the weight of all the things that we carry through life eventually wears us down a touch…

THOSE THINGS bend us...

…now and then we crack…

Hopefully we don’t break.

Feeling older yesterday… I stood in my bedroom and looked incredibly closely at my own face in the mirror.

I raised my eyebrows as high as I could...

Time has blessed me with a few new lines…

but... I'm not worried.

The KEY(s)...

2011-02-21T13:29:00.000-08:00

Whats shakin' people?
I had a funny thing happen to me this morning... well... I thought it was funny afterwards.

It started snowing yesterday afternoon sort of unexpectedly... and it was REALLY coming down... I hadn't heard that snow was coming... and usually everyone talks about it when a storm is about to roll in... I must have had my head in the sand... because it crept up on me. It snowed all afternoon... and all evening...

When I got home from the weekly poker game around 10:25pm... there was already at least 3 inches on the ground... and it was starting to rain... FREEZING rain!

All I could think was, "AWESOME! I'm on day shift tomorrow.... I get to drive in this crap in the morning all the way to the city!"

Normally, I get up around 4:20... lol yes I said 4:20... sometimes 4:30.... but I figured since the roads would be bad... I'd get up and leave a lil early... so I set the alarm for 4:00.

It went off... I got up... showered... got dressed... played with Earl for a bit... because I miss him when I hafta leave his furry lil butt... and decided I'd go out and start the truck and let it warm up a bit... loosen up the ice and stuff before I had to leave.

With my keys in hand... I put on my shoes... and hat... and jacket and went outside to start 'er up.
It was coated in a layer of ice... but no problem... I pull on the handle... and it wont budge.

I take my key... scrape around the driver side door cracks thinking... this will get me in... no sweat... I grab the handle... REEF on it... and NOTHING!

So... I figure atleast one of the doors will give.... right?

WRONG!

I'm out in the snow and cold... freezing... Earl is lookin at me like I'm nuts... and by this point... I'm starting to cuss up a storm.

I finally gave up... threw my pink, frozen hands in the air... and went inside for reinforcements.

I creep into the bedroom where my husband is sort of asleep... sort of not asleep... and say, "BAYBEE..." and stick my lower lip out.

"Uh huh?" says he...

"I cant get into the truck to start it up... and I'm frozen... it's covered in ice and wont let me in... help?"

"Ok... I'm coming." says he...

Now its shortly after 5:00 am... and that poor man got outa bed... got dressed... grabbed my keys... put on his coat and boots and went outside... GOD I LOVE HIM!!

I'm watching out the window as he walks towards the truck... the lights flash... and he pulls the drivers side door open and starts it up... here I am thinking,"Holy smokes... he's strong as HELL... he opened that shit up like it was NOTHIN!"

He comes back inside and smiles at me... and I smile back and say, "thanks baybee... how'd you get it to open so easy? Just pull REAL hard or something?"

He laughs and says... "Try unlocking the doors next time hun."

TRUE STORY!

*slaps self in the forehead*

DUH!

I got out of the driveway and was on my way by 5:30... and shortly after that...I realized I forgot my lunch on the kitchen table.

Today was the best day EVAR!!!

SAY MY NAME!!

2011-01-30T16:20:00.000-08:00

So... I was at work the other day... I think I was putting on front timing chains?

Anyways... yeah... I'm working away... lalalalala... and I see my buddy/acquaintance (we know each other... but not THAT well) Jamie walking by across the isle... I yell out "EH!"... he gives me the "Sup?" head nod and the "see you outside at break" point towards the door. I smile and nod a "yes" back to him.

I work until the buzzer rings for break... pull off my gloves, put on my sweater and hat... grab my stuff... and head for the door.

I walk over to the table in the little bus-stop-smokers-hut thingy that is outside.

Jamie lights his smoke and we start chit chatting... and he says, "man... what was your name again... sorry... I'm getting old... I forgot"

I say... "Michelle... no sweat man."

Then he says, "I dunno what it is about you... BUT I REALLY wanna call you Christine, maybe you remind me of someone I used to know by that name?"

Then he laughs a lil to himself.

So... I say "Well James" very matter-of-factly... "Christine ain't my name! But you can call me whatever the heck you want lol... and if I think you're talking to ME... iI will respond... cool?"

We both have a little chuckle and he agrees that that would be fine.

We continue our small talk for a little while... and I asked him how much time we had left before break ended... he told me 7 minutes... so I decided it was time to start walking back because I needed to hit the washroom before i went back to my work station...

I stand up and say "Well... see ya next break eh Jamie?".....
.
.
.
and Jamie says, "Yeah... see ya later Christine."

LOL

Just Once...

2011-01-28T13:50:00.000-08:00

I want you desperately....

just to be here with me.

Although I know, it can never be.

I want to pull you close,

just once...

to feel the warmth of your skin against mine.

I want to look into your eyes and see you...

seeing me...

I want to breathe you in so deeply that

the smell of you lingers,

and lives inside me until my last breath escapes...

I want to...

just once...

so badly...

Although I know, it can never be...

*sigh*

Can You Hear Me Knockin'?

2011-01-23T10:05:00.000-08:00

1. Its Sunday... I'm up, dressed, bed is made, dishes are done and the kitchen is cleaned up, my smoke has been smoked, my coffee is drank, my laundry is started... dinner is already in the crock pot... I got my game face on... and its only 10:00! Call me butter, baby... cuz I'm on a ROLL! I ALREADY cant wait to get my football on for the day! GO STEELERS!

2. Rachelle (my old friend/best hairdresser EVAR) is comin by around lunch to cut the boys hair... and trim my split ends... which I have a LOT of! I hate getting may hair cut BEFORE I get it cut... I always love it afterwards! lol WE FEAR CHANGE EH! My hair is getting REALLY long... likely because I only cut it 1ce or 2ce a year lol... its almost down to my BUTT!! Julius hates me cutting my hair, but I think he secretly likes it long JUST so he can pull it from farther away! lol JUST KIDDING!!
PERVERTS!
pot:hello kettle!
kettle: hello pot!
pot: um... kettle... you're black yanno!

3. Its been COLD the last few days... sub-zero cold! So i haven't gotten out for my walk with the Squally the last few days... I think he is a lil upset with me... he barks at me a lot... almost seems like hes yelling at me? *scratches head* maybe I'm reading too much into this? lol

4. I got put on the schedule to work days tomorrow... which is good... I haven't been getting ANY hours this year... hopefully that'll change starting tomorrow.

5. I'm thinkin I might go over to Detroit one day this week if my friend Darlene is available to come with... I need some blunt wraps and new sneakers! :) and new jeans... and and and lol i just hope that i don't/cant get in trouble for bringing the wraps over... they ARE a tobacco product... that isn't generally used to roll "tobacco"... hopefully if i get caught i don't get the "get nekkid... squat and cough" bit from the customs people... id cry... then likely faint... or fake a heart attack so they don't try to lookit my cookie!! lol

6. Had a nice dinner at my moms last night ... I ate too much... I'm STILL NOT HUNGRY 14 hours later! my older brother and his gf came... me and the boys went... Julius stayed home... he doesn't like spaghetti much, and he had just finished working so he was hella dirty. I was an hour late... but they waited for me... which was nice... i kinda felt bad.

7. Speaking of lateness... I'm late for everything that isn't SUPER important... I'm never late for work... but it seems I'm the last one to walk into everything else... and when I walk into wherever... everyone looks at me... you can hear the collective sighs... and see the rolls of their eyes saying, "FINALLY... CAN WE GET STARTED NOW THAT SHE IS HERE?"
8. Ah... to be loved eh?

9. I'm still wanting what I shouldn't want, and cant have... but whats life without a lil temptation and desire ... right?

10. I'm still TERRIBLY disappointed in the postal system... I mailed something to OHIO a week before Christmas and it STILL isn't there? I coulda crawled that shit there by now... drunk... without a map! JESUS! Also... my letter to New York never made it THERE either... and I spent a few hours on some sketches that I put into the envelope for my friend... I mailed that one November 18th... I don't think it'll ever be found now ... stupid postal system! I was pretty proud of the one... I don't really draw much anymore... so when i do... its kinda special to me.

well... that's about it... have a swell sunday... and don't do anything I wouldn't do!

here's the tune that's in my head!

Mosaic...

2011-01-18T05:25:00.000-08:00

Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and seen all the little pieces of you that rightfully belong to someone else?

Or... been in the middle of doing something... or saying something when you suddenly realize that you are standing exactly the way someone else once stood... gesturing with your hands and expressions exactly as you remember someone else doing?

Its been happening to me a lot more often lately than it ever has before.

I guess, perhaps its because I am getting older... and I'm starting to see more and more of my parents and grandparents turn up somewhere on my person.

I have been told that I have my mothers eyes... but I've been told that I have my dads eyes too... and likely my aunt Veronica's as well... we ALL have brown eyes.

However... no matter what anyone else says... I can tell you with a significant degree of certainty that my eyes belong to my mother.

I have my dads nose... there is no denying that... its clear as day. Its not a big weird nose... so I'm cool with it... its not something that most people would pick out or note as a distinctive attribute on my face either...in my opinion... but, I see it.

I also have my dads big broad smile... you know... the one where almost all of your teeth are visible? However.. that smile on my mothers lips. that's sort of poetic isn't it? I have my fathers teeth and my mothers jaw line.

I have my grandmothers (my fathers mothers) hair... long and wild-curly if I don't do something to try and tame it. She was born and raised in Madrid Spain... I also got my lack of height and small stature from her... she too was just shy of that 5 foot marker, which was always nice for me. She was the only one I could converse with at eye level after I turned 12 or so... with her funny spanglish talk. I wish I had taken the time to learn some Spanish from her while she was still here... and I was still young enough to cabsorb it.

As I was getting out of bed the other day i looked down as swung my legs over the edge of the matress... and I saw that the skin on my legs looked just like my mom's.

I am artsy like her... I like to draw or write something whenever i can... which is never as often as I'd like.... but it happens now and again. I have that "benefit of the doubt" outlook of hers also... which hinders me as much as it helps me sometimes.

I have my dads feet... and when I clear my throat... I think I sound like him.

When I'm angry... or sad... I usually try to suck it up and be tough... like my mom... but when I can't, and I break down... so much emotion pours out of me... if you are close, you feel it. that's my mother... all the way!

The same thing goes if I am in a good mood... I think happiness in contagious in some cases.

I laugh exactly like my brother... somewhat like our father... but more-so like each other than him.... and someone once told me... my older brother and I have the same forehead. I don't know how or why one would look at two people and see a common forehead... but SOMEONE did.

And even though my step brother and I are not genetically related... I see a LOT of us in him... mostly in the way he moves. I guess "family" is more than DNA in some cases... in the good cases it can be, anyways.

when I looked at myself this morning... after I slid out of bed... I saw all the little pieces of everyone else that make up he ME I see... intermingled with the many pieces of me that are all my own... and I was happy to see a little bit of some of those people who aren't here with me anymore still hanging around

Does that make any sense?

What about you? Who do you resemble? Whose mannerisms have you adopted as your own... what parts of who make up the you that YOU see... that I see?

Fluff...

2011-01-14T11:29:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I have posted anything of substance... I'm not much of a fluff poster... my last blog was kind of fluffy... I think this one might be too... but I’m tired of looking at the same thing every time I open up my page.

I’m fairly sure my muse is off vacationing in Greece or someplace equally fabulous, while I am stuck here... trying to stay warm in this wintery hell.

Actually it's not that bad... I exaggerate. I get out for a walk almost every day with Earl, and as anyone who knows me can attest; I've always either got someone stopping by to hang out, or someone telling me it’s high time I made my way over to their place for a visit.

((takes a deep breath in and out))

It’s good to be loved.

I have been awake since 3:42 this morning... at least that’s what I saw the first time I was coherent enough to remember what was on the clock when I looked at the time? Either way... I don’t normally get up THAT early... I HAVE gone to bed sort of early the last two nights though… so maybe that’s got something to do with it?

You know what else... last night was fresh sheet night... so you'd THINK I’d actually have slept BETTER and possibly for longer?

*shrugs*

My friend Ivy was over the other day… and I went to put away a pair of earrings I had left of the table earlier that day… I have a drawer in my dresser for all my jewelry… and when I opened it up Ivy suggested that I put her in my will… since I am daughterless and I have all that cool stuff. I didn’t realize how much I had… none of it is REALLY expensive… and I have stuff in there that I got when I was a little girl… so there is quite a lot… I’m sure there are plenty of people with more than I’ve got.
I think here are about 8 rings, 6 watches, 10 necklaces and around twenty or so pairs of earrings… and I never wore any of it… like EVER!

I actually fell asleep the night before last with long dangley earrings in and woke up because the one I was laying on was stabbing me in the head… unfortunately, I only woke up long enough to remove them and fell back asleep with them still in my hands… I sometimes sleep with my hands and arms folded up under me… and needless to say… got stabbed awake yet again later that same night!

I’ve still been making a conscious effort to wear a lil something every day… and it's been fun.

I forgot how much I liked all this crap!

LoL screw Ivy… I’m getting buried with all of my sparkley things!

How much stuff do you have hidden away in drawers an closets of your home that you HAD TO HAVE at one time… and now have all but forgotten about?
Go dig something out… try it back on… use it one more time… I think in most cases… if you loved it then… you’ll still love it now…. It never hurts to empty out some drawers and or closets and explore all the stuff we’ve lost an appreciation for or forgot we had at all. Sometimes its even like finding buried treasure?

*on a side note… I don’t think Earl likes The Rolling Stones… we’re gonna have to have words about that nonsense.*

Well… I thinks that’s all the fluff I got for now… Have a great day.
I'm gonna take a page outa my friend mousies book and post the video for the song thats in my head right now... peace out peeps!

I'll Take You There...

2010-11-26T14:07:00.000-08:00

Music, when soft voices die
Vibrates in the memory -
~Percy Bysshe Shelley

Have you ever heard a song... and felt instantly transported to a different time and place? A time and place when that song was playing, and it held some sort of signifigance? Have you ever tied a song to a memory... and whenever you heard it... for the rest of your life... it took you to someplace else?

I have a lot of memories that songs have attached themselves to...

For instance, whenever I hear "Another One Bites the Dust" by Queen... I'm back in the dining room at 52 Princess Street, dancing around the kitchen table like crazy people, with my father and brother on any given Saturday morning. That Queeb record was one of my fathers favourites when he was happy. My mother had recently left, and he was sort of unsure of himself. So... he tried to make EVERYTHING fun for my brother and I... so we wouldn't miss "us" being a "whole family" as much... i guess it was kind of his way of telling the world that we could have fun without her... either way... that song will forever take me there.

My mothers favourite artist has always been Sting. I remember when her second husband brought home the "Synchronicity" album (I think it was THAT album? Anyways...)... they played like it was he only record they owned. We had really crazy carpet on the living room floor at my moms house, almost like something you'd see in a casino... red and yellow with big swirls of colour and stuff... I remember sitting on that carpet with my step sister in our pajamas singing along into these tiny little microphones to all the songs on that album , while my Jim (my step father) recorded us on the tape deck of his stereo. I'd give almost ANYTHING to hear those tapes now... I can only imagine how terrible we sounded... and what words we were singing... to this day, when no one is listening and I don't know the words to a song, i'll just make up something that kinda sounds the same... I bet I'd DIE laughing... whenever I hear a song from that record... it takes me there... to that carpet singing in my pajamas.

Finally, when i was about 8 years old.... i had a cousin who got very sick, some of you who have been reading my posts for a while may recall me talking about him before... he had a brain tumor... it was inoperable... and he passed at the age of 11. Before he died, his favourite movie was stand by me... and i believe his favourite song was the same... by Sam Cooke. this is a song that ties my whole family together... whenever any of us hears THAT song... it takes us back to Mikey... smiling.

I sat in my house today... it was quiet... too quiet.... but once I put on the radio... I didnt feel so alone. My whole life is set to music... whem I drive, when I do house work... while im building engines at work... it has settled into everything I do... even my rememberings.

do YOU have any memories tied to songs?

Will you take ME there?

Post me a youtube link to your song too if you can... I'd love to hear it.

Fact or Fiction...

2010-11-23T18:50:00.000-08:00

Its strange the way the mind omits certain things, and makes other things stand out so prominantly.... maybe its just MY mind?

I remember being in the delivery room having my son, I was only 16... I remember the people there... and the lights... the pain... but no sound at ALL! I look at pictures of when he was born, and it appears he is wailing (as most babies do after snatching that first breath and feeling the cold of the world for the first time) but I dont remember a sound... nothing.

I remember when my parents split up... and all the turmoil that occurred before the big break... I remember them fighting too... and being scared... I remember my mother up against a wall and my father yelling... I remember sleeping next to her as she layed on the sofa all night long, refusing to sleep next to HIM after that...

But my father has NEVER been a violent or irrational man... so I wonder if these memories are REAL... or figments of my imagination... something my mind has conjured up to explain why things went the way they did... to help me understand? I dont know?

I remember the day my mother left... I SWEAR I do! but how could I if I was only 2? I remember looking thru the bars of my crib at her... standing there crying in a yellow sweatshirt... with her curly hair... and her hand over her mouth as she wept. She lifted me up... and hugged me as she cried... she probably said some things to me about why she was leaving... but THAT I cant recall exactly... then she kissed me... put me back in my bed... and left.

... was it real?

Skin Deep...

2010-11-10T04:49:00.000-08:00

"There is no excellent beauty that hath not some strangeness in the proportion."

--Sir Francis Bacon

I recently sent a picture of myself to a friend from my phone… and he told me that I was beautiful. It wasn’t anything fancy or spectacular, just the upper half of me, kind of half-smiling standing in my bedroom.

I laughed it off as flattery, but thanked him for the compliment, just the same.

I don’t often send pictures of myself to ANYONE… I have always avoided being in pictures… since I was very young, I have hated the camera, and truth be told, I have always felt that the camera hated me right back!

I have SO MANY memories captured in photos, tucked away in albums in the drawers and closets of my house… but as I was sorting through them the other day I noticed that as soon as I was old enough to be the one TAKING the pictures… I quit appearing in them.

From the time I was about two years old, up until about 15 years ago, I had a step sister named Jini (pronounced Ginny). We were in a LOT of pictures together as kids… she constantly looked like a star, and I usually looked more like an extra.

I can remember following her around and wanting to do EVERYTHING she did… Wanting to go EVERYWHERE she went… Wanting to have the same toys and clothes as she had. I worshipped her and often remember wishing I could BE her, instead of being me.

She was very, very thin and pretty, she had a beautiful smile and amazing green eyes; everyone complimented and commented on them. She was fun to be with, and usually nice to me… and she had such confidence, always.

I also remember all the boys in the neighbourhood wanting her to be THEIR girlfriend… I was forever… the leftover girl.

She knew she was pretty… beautiful people just KNOW, I think.

You see, unlike Jini… I have always been rather plain. I have never felt pretty; with my ordinary brown hair and plain brown eyes…

I used to have a VERY prominent space between my front teeth as well, incredibly similar to Lauren Hutton’s, which I had filled a few years back, GREATLY upsetting my husband… I didn’t tell him beforehand that I was going to have it filled, robbing him of a chance to talk me out of it.

I would cover my mouth… or turn my head hoping so no one would be able to see even more of my imperfections than were already so painfully obvious… at least to me.

The gap made me very self conscious when I smiled, and old habits die hard, if you know what I’m saying.

I never received compliments, and no one ever commented on MY eyes, or my smile except if to mention that they seemed “off” somehow:

~My eyes squinted crookedly when I smiled… or they were too big…

~The break between my teeth was too wide…

~My hair was too unruly or disheveled…

Now, understand… when I say I have never felt pretty, I don’t mean that I’ve always felt ugly… although once in a while I have. I just mean… beautiful people KNOW they’re beautiful, like I said… and I have never felt sure. I’ve never felt like one of the more physically beautiful people … at least not by societal definitions.

WHO I am, is more than just what you see… as is the case with most people.

As I’ve grown older, I’ve begun to realize that true beauty lies within people… and the more beautiful a person is on the inside… the less their outer appearance even seems to exist at all to me.

When I look at myself in the mirror… even when I did it as a younger me… I see more than my physicality, I see WHO I am staring back at me through my plain brown eyes…

I sent a picture of myself to a friend from my phone the other day… It wasn’t anything fancy or spectacular but he saw ME and told me I was beautiful.

.

.

.

Thank you… my friend… you made me feel more sure of it that day than i have in a long, long time.

Recovering...

2010-10-07T20:47:00.000-07:00

I have this friend…

She isn’t just ANY friend; she is/was my BEST friend for the last 15 years, give or take a year or two.

Back in the day, during a period of time where we weren’t really hangin’ out that much (because I didn’t like the choices she was making) she was pretty heavy into the rave scene and from what I understand, was doing a lot of pretty heavy drugs, including ecstasy and coke. It was during that time that she got pregnant with her first child.

She passed out at a party while she was with a few of her “so called friends” who should have been looking out for her. She was sexually assaulted by a friend of one of those “so called friends”, unfortunately.

She was all f*cked up, and hurt pretty badly, but she made it thru with the help of her family and friends. Her son was born prematurely, but by some miracle, he lived.

I know her entire family, she comes from good people.

She now has two beautiful children and a great man. Her daughter’s father does everything for her just to keep her and those kids happy and taken care of. She doesn’t cook or clean anymore… she doesn’t grocery shop… she doesn’t work, do laundry, or even volunteer anywhere.

For a while, after she had her daughter, she was drinking really heavily. All the time. I asked her about it, but she assured me she had it all under control. I decided to leave it alone.

She has held my hand and my head as I cried, when I was struggling…. And for that I am grateful.

When I have been alone and cold, she has covered me; never really asking for anything in return… and she has always been a true friend to me, in every sense of the word.

She knows my deepest darkest secret… and she keeps it, loyally.

When I decided to go back to school, after getting laid off, she volunteered to come with me, if for nothing else than to keep me company and to offer me moral support.

She didn’t finish, but it was nice having her with me for that first year, by my side, laughing and smiling every day…. Making happy memories that will stay with me forever.

We have been through more ups and downs together than I care to recall… but she has been down for quite a while now.

When we were in school, I noticed that every single day, 6-8 times a day, she was using nasal spray. She had all kinds of empty bottles of it in her car. I asked her about it. She told me she had severe allergies, and without it, she wasn’t able to breathe properly. I decided to leave it alone.

Later on, I noticed that she was popping pills left, right and center. She said she had a prescription because she got severe migraine headaches. Again, I chose to believe her, and decided to leave it alone.

She didn’t return to school for second year, and started to become reclusive. She never called, and we rarely saw each other at all. I heard she had a problem with Percocet’s (sp?)… I didn’t want to ask anymore… it was increasingly harder to believe the stories and explanations. I left it alone.

She suddenly had a whole new circle of friends, most of whom were shady as hell! I have never been one to keep my opinions of people to myself… and I told her what I thought of her new friends. Publicly, she would tell people I was her best friend… but privately… we hardly spoke anymore.

She lost all kinds of weight, and she wasn’t what you would call a big woman to begin with. She tried to play it off as though she had been exercising and dieting, but those dark circles under her eyes told a different story.

She had progressed from alcohol and nasal spray, to percs, then to oxycontin (sp?), which is basically just prescription heroin in pill form, from what I understand.

Her kids have suffered and seen things no child should see, and her old man has had his head in the sand for way too long. He is a long distance truck driver, and I wonder if he has any idea what goes on when he is out of town?

She came to terms with her addiction, and decided that she was going to try to beat her addiction… and started with methadone treatments.

I don’t know if any of you know anyone who had gone this route to beat an addiction, but it’s CRAZY! The pharmaceutical companies must be making millions off this shit… and it hasn’t helped her at all. IN FACT, she has been abusing it TOO!

Patients are given a specific dosage, and once they ingest it… they turn into freakin’ drooling basket cases. Their eyes close half way, and start to roll back into their heads, their mouths hang open, and they drift in and out of consciousness… it lasts for quite a while.

HOW IS THIS HELPFUL?

HOW DOES THIS GET PPL OFF OF DRUGS?

HOW IS THIS NOT JUST AS BAD, IF NOT WORSE?

They allowed her to bring these treatments home, and take them while she was alone with her children… they watch her… they see her still, seven months into her “recovery”…. And she’s always all f*cked up.

HOW IS THIS FAIR TO THOSE KIDS?

HOW IS THIS CRAP GOING TO AFFECT THEM LATER ON IN THEIR LIVES?

.

.

.

I don’t know what to do about this situation, but it’s been escalating.

I talk to her now and then… but I don’t even know who she is anymore…

I wonder if she even knows who she is.

.

.

.

I want to help her… but I can’t.

I think she needs to go somewhere where she can get the help she needs… but she refuses to go to a treatment facility, claiming that she can’t bear to be away from her kids for that long, and that even if she did agree to go… there would be nowhere for her kids to go… no one for them to stay with.

She insists that she can beat it on her own… but I know she can’t, her sister knows she can’t, her mother knows she can’t… her cousins knows that she can’t, and I think her man is finally realizing that she needs more than any of us can give her…

I also think she would benefit from talking to a psychiatrist, or therapist or something.

.

.

.

I was talking to her sister today… and we both want her to go voluntarily, but we both also know that this is highly unlikely.

I don’t understand why she wants to fight this secret war of hers all alone.

There has been talk of calling the children’s aid society (which is the equivalent to child protective services I guess?); because her kids are suffering; watching her slowly kill herself… but I hope it doesn’t have to get to that…

Things are coming to a head…

Something BIG has to happen really soon… or she is going to die…

I want to be there for her… but I just don’t know how?

If she is hurting… so am I.

*sigh*

Methadone…. What a joke.

Time Waits For No Man...

2010-09-19T10:16:00.001-07:00

“Only put off until tomorrow, what you could comfortably die leaving unfinished.”

~ I think Pablo Picasso said something of that nature once… maybe?

My family isn’t exactly the “norm” as far as families go.

My mother and father split up when I was 2 yrs old.

Custody of my older brother and I went to my father.

My mother remarried, almost right away… and my father was alone for the most part of the next seven years.

My mother’s new husband had two kids… a boy and a girl; both of whom were older than my brother Jason and I. We all got along well… but for some reason when he and my mother split, some 17 years later, all communication stopped between us and them within a matter of 2 years.

I don’t talk to them at all now… I don’t call them on their birthdays… and I feel comfortable saying that if I passed them in the street… I wouldn’t recognize either one of them now… even if I did; I probably wouldn’t do much more than wave… if that.

My father remarried when I was about 18 to a woman he had been dating for about 8 years. She had a son named Steven from her first marriage… he was about 2 years old when they started dating… and around 10 years old when our parents got married.

His father has always been in his life… but I always found him strange… and kind of detached.

I took to Steve right away, as most 10-12 year old girls do to cute little babies.

I fawned over him… taught him things he didn’t need to know… and loved him to death… I still do.

Unfortunately, our parents did better dating than they did with marriage, and they too divorced after only 2 years in rings.

I was heartbroken… I don’t often let people in, and when I do… I love hard… with all that I have… and I felt like my life was being torn apart when she moved out and took him with her to live in another house… a house that I didn’t live in.

He sank into a depression… quit going to school… became very difficult for her to handle and she ended up admitting him to a hospital… as she didn’t know what else to do.

I refused to go see him… and he did nothing but get worse.

When I finally decided to swallow my pride… I went in, took one look at him and said, “Just come home!”

Family is more than blood… and WE… my father, brother, son and I… were as much his family as anyone else was.

I left the hospital feeling good… and within a week… Steve had moved back in with us… and started back to school.

Steve still lives with my dad.

My dad is still single… and bitter.

My mom is single and content…

And Steve’s mom moved to the UK… to live with the man that she left my father for.

Steve and his mother have had a rough relationship since she left my father…

I think Steve resents her for leaving him here too… and I don’t think she sees any fault on her part for doing so… because he was technically an adult… not to mention the fact that he chose to live with her ex husband and the rest of us over living with her… his own mother…. She was ready to start living her life for HER… and his father still lived here in town. So, he wasn’t REALLY all alone anyways.

Steven’s father hasn’t been a well man for quite some time… he suffered a stroke about 12 years ago, fully recovered… then about 2 years ago… he had another one… and a few heart attacks… they weren’t sure if he was going to make it at all… but he pulled through and was back to almost normal after a few years of intense therapy and a lot of time in the hospital… we were all relieved.

He lived in an assisted living facility for a while… and last I heard I think he was back in an apartment living by himself not too long ago.

Steve didn’t visit him much when he was in the hospital… I constantly pushed him to go… as did his mother…and everyone else who really cared about him… but he just didn’t know how to process it… I could see him becoming a man before my eyes… becoming more and more frustrated with each passing day because he couldn’t just FIX it.

Since his mother moved overseas… Steve has visited her twice.

She comes to visit every year during tax season, and they talk every now and then. Not as often as she would like… but he isn’t exactly the kind of guy who would spend hours on the phone chatting about nothing in particular anyways… you know?

The last time he visited was two weeks ago… he spent 3 days with her, went to Edinburgh, Scotland for a week all by himself… then went back to spent a few more days with his mother before returning home.

I took him to the airport shuttle when he departed…

and I picked him up when he got back.

I immediately asked him what he bought for me.

(Merely giving him the gears because I already knew he hadn’t got me anything! LOL)

Of course he apologized and said that he didn’t get anything for anyone…

except… his father.

Which I thought was kind of nice.

Because his last name is Ferguson… he bought his dad something with their family crest and tartan (plaid pattern) from Scotland…. A cool and thoughtful gift with meaning.

We made small talk on the way home from the city, he told me about his trip… and I asked him how his dad was doing when he mentioned his purchase.

“Ok, I guess?” was really all he said, and that he would be going to bring him the souvenir during the following week.

I dropped him off at home… and left for work.

.

Steve called his father on Friday morning (yesterday) to make sure he was up for the visit they had planned… however, his call went unanswered. He tried again later in the day… still no answer… so he decided to go over to a friend’s house and hang out… figuring his dad was either not home… or just not feeling up to having company… which was a common occurrence. He was mildly reclusive, I think.

.

.

As I was leaving today to go pick Julius up from work… my cell phone rang.

It was my father.

He asked me if I knew Steve’s phone number (which I did), and told me get ahold of him and to tell him to call home right away…

Then he said, “I think something happened to his dad.”

.

.

.

I called Steve…

He called his aunt…

After a few minutes of driving in silence I sent him a text message that was simply, “?” a question mark.

.

.

His reply was… “My dad passed away…”

.

.

.

Which explains why he didn’t answer the phone.

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.

.

Steve says he will be laying the tartan in the coffin.

Tomorrow is not promised my friends, don’t take the people you love for granted…

They could be gone by then.

Suffocating in Socks

2010-09-18T15:32:00.000-07:00

I love living in a place where we get to experience all four seasons each year…

I enjoy sitting outside during warm summer afternoons in July…

I like the peaceful, rainy spring days in April when you can practically smell the grass starting to grow…

I even like those REALLY cold winter nights, when the moon is full and the sky is so clear you can count a million stars.

But, my favourite season is definitely autumn…

I love it.

The beautiful colours, the falling leaves, the dew on the grass every morning…

And that crisp, cool air that smells like freshly turned earth.

Taking my warm sweatshirts and hoodies out of the back of the closet in September is always a happy time for me.

I like being able to go outside and do things in the yard without getting sweaty and hot.

One thing I don’t like about the cooler weather settling in is that it usually means I have to start wearing socks and shoes all the time again.

There are two kinds of people in this world; those that choose to kick off their socks and shoes at the beach and walk barefoot, feeling every grain of sand against their skin, and those that keep their feet protected and prefer more stable footing, not to mention cleaner feet when the sun goes down.

I am a member of the former set of people.

At the end of any given summer day… the bottom of my feet are in need of some soap and water… that is certain.

I don’t have anything against socks really…

As a matter of fact, I used to have a very extensive sock collection; some with gold fish on them, some with turtles, some with stripes, and polka dots, fluffy socks, thin socks, thick socks etc… I even had groovy peace sign toe socks at one point!

On many occasions I have gone to the mall and come out having bought nothing BUT socks….

I don’t do that anymore though…

And my sock drawer is considerably less exciting…

But, full of lovely useable socks nonetheless.

I just don’t like WEARING them anymore than I have to….

Or shoes for that matter.

As soon as it’s warm enough in the spring… my shoes and socks disappear… and bare feet reign!!

If I could spend the rest of my life barefoot, I would do it in a heartbeat!

But it gets altogether too cold here at certain times of the year….

When I got dressed this morning…

I slid into my jeans…

Pulled a white undershirt over my head and smoothed the wrinkles out of it as i drew it down around my waist…

I grabbed my new green hooded sweater out of the closet and put it on…

Then I slipped my feet into some new white socks that I bought last week…

They didnt even make it through the rest of the day...

I think I’m almost ready for spring again!!

Shhh...

2010-09-09T17:10:00.000-07:00

It has been quiet the last few days...

The children are gone...

and I have been spending time at the northernmost point of Julius' cold shoulder...

but I dont think it's that, entirely...

it's just... quiet.

The television is always turned off...

I don't watch much TV,

which, I suppose, enhances the silence some.

It's been very cool outside and we have shut off the air conditioner...

I don't even hear the sound of the fan kicking on anymore.

But I have opened the windows and let the cool fall air fill the house...

I hear the breeze...

Passing through the leaves of the trees on their way down my street...

The clock ticking...

and the keys clicking away as I type.

I don’t mind the quiet...

I listen the hardest when there's nothing to hear.

Writer's Block

2010-08-30T09:26:00.000-07:00

For whatever reason I haven’t had much to say, as far as blogging is concerned, for about three months now… and that is an abnormally long stretch for me. Thoughts worthy of sharing have been scarce… I just haven’t felt the desire to pluck the keys for more than a few minutes at a time. When I finally DO feel that urge… the few minutes I have seem to pass too quickly, only allowing to me read a few posts … and say hello to a few friends.

It seems I am forever running out the door, grabbing things I don’t need and forgetting the things I do, anymore.

I don’t like to post fluff… or anything I haven’t had time to really think about and word properly… I like my posts to say exactly what I am thinking and feeling… I like to get my point across succinctly… and that generally takes more than fifteen minutes (for me anyways).

Since it has been so long, and I haven’t had anything of substance to write about… I figured I’d just start typing here… and see what comes of it… fluff or not. I guess it may just be an update on what is going on with me… I quit doing this sort of blog when 360 died… mostly because only people who really considered me a “friend” would care to read them… and I have had a hard time connecting with new people on new sites since then… perhaps my lack of presence doesn’t help much

Julius has been busy with work… and I have been busy getting the house back in working order since the tornado. Everything has come together quite nicely and is looking better than new.

The kids are happy and healthy… dreading the return to school that is but a few short days away. I have noticed it getting darker earlier in the evening , the birds have been gathering on the wires and now and again I feel a brief, cool nip in the air… these are sure signs that the fall is coming, and winter will be quick to follow. I NEED to finish my school supplies shopping for those savages… and they both need new shoes and clothes, amongst other things.

I have been working two days a week, but the outlook is still rather bleak for Ford and the rest of the auto sector… I still hold on to hope that things will get better, but deep down inside… I fear for the worst. Que sera sera eh? No amount of worrying on my part will change any of that mess.

On another note, my older brother, Jason, finally became a man, moved far away on his own and got a decent job. He is working for the city of Winnipeg in the wastewater treatment plant… which sounds, and probably smells, pretty gross… but the money and benefits are good… and there is a future there for him… so I am pleased. He has been gone since the first of July, and although I have seen him almost every day for the last 32 years, I don’t find myself missing him all that much. I guess maybe I DO miss him a little… it’s just nice to see him finally standing on his own two feet. It’s also nice to see a bit a of financial burden lifted off of my father’s shoulders… 35 years is a long time for a parent to take care of a "child".

My fish in the pond have had what seems like hundreds of babies, and every morning before Earl and I go for our walk along the shore, I feed them. I watch them swim around gulping down the pellets as quickly as they can for a few minutes... and every now and then a little mini-fish will peck at a pellet, too big for its modest mouth to take in, and push it slowly across the surface of the water with its nibbles. They are so relaxing and fun to watch… I’m really glad we have them, they consistently make me smile.

Well… I guess that’s about it… there’s really not much else for me to say, and I have to get ready for work… so I’d best be getting on my way.

What’s going on with you?

The Calm...

2010-06-09T13:21:00.000-07:00

I have always loved sitting on my swing out on the deck in the back yard. On a hot summer day, its just... nice to be out there... having something cool to drink in a glass covered in little beads of sweat, the suns rays streaming through the tree tops, and loose strands of my hair tickling my neck gently as I sway back and forth in the shade under its little canopy. A strong breeze can carry the sound of the waves steadily lapping against the shore all the way from the beach to my yard... just thinking about it... i can almost hear the cries of the gulls as they fly overhead...
THAT is my favourite place to be...
I don't even need anyone else there...
although, I don't get to go too many places without Earl at my heels anymore.

I have been in a constant state of unrest since June 6th...
the devastation around me is so very unbelievable...
my world has been flipped upside down.
I have never ever felt this way.
It feels like I was robbed.... like someone went through my house, threw everything around... and I don't even know what's missing.... but I feel an incredible loss.
Where I used to see trees... I now see sky.
Plywood has replaced my glass...

The lid for my BBQ is just... GONE?!?
The sea gulls' cries have been replaced by the sound of gas powered generators humming, wood chippers and buzzing chainsaws...
There was a hole in my roof, and a tree on top of it.
My air conditioner doesn't work.
There is water in my basement and I had to tear the carpet out,and I've had fans and dehumidifiers running non-stop.
Nothing is as it should be... except we...
because "we" are ok.
I am thankful for that especially... and hot running water, electricity, family, volunteers, and the sense of community I have experienced over the last two weeks... I think I even met all of my neighbours... its just too bad it had to happen this way.
I'm pretty stressed and I wouldn't be surprised if I earned my first few grey hairs this last week.
The door to my deck in he back yard is gone... the tree tops have been snapped off... it seems as if the sun hasn't shone in weeks... and my swing is broken... so i sit in he garage now... its NOT the same.
Its not about the stuff... stuff is replaceable.
is everything else... you know?
I'm not even upset anymore...
I'm just...
calm.

... *sigh*

Unattachments...

2010-05-05T13:49:00.000-07:00

I have lived in my little brick house for almost 8 years now…

There is a cul-de-sac at the end of the road… so the only people who drive past are the ones who live here, or their visitors.

The children, of which there are only a handful, can carelessly ride their bikes, roller blades, or skateboards up and down the street without a worry in the world; and the older folks, of which there is a significantly higher population, can smile and sip iced tea peacefully in the shade as they watch the kids play from the chairs on their patios.

Its nice… and quiet most days… I have big trees and green grass… a little pond full of bright orange fish and the sound of running water in my yard.

I like it here… it is HOME now, to be sure.

However, I don’t really know many of my neighbours… except the ones who live directly to the left of me.

I only got to know them on a first name basis because the man of the house is a Ford retiree, and I still work there part time. That served as a decent base for starting up conversation when I moved in.

It’s been almost 4 years since I was laid off now… my, how time flies!

I have met the couple who live across the street, one house to the left… and they seem very nice… they have a daughter who attends the same school as our youngest son, and they often offer him a ride on cold winter mornings, which keeps him from having to stand and freeze while waiting for the bus.

Still, I don’t REALLY KNOW them… and for the life of me, cannot remember their first names, although I’m sure I have been informed more than once.

I don’t particularly care for the ones that live directly across from me… Julius and I refer to the husband as “the psycho” because we had an incident one winter over some snow that made its way from my driveway across the street to the curb next to his driveway.

He freaked out on me! BIG TIME! (hence the nic name)

IF someone has nerve enough to come over to MY HOME and spit venom at me over a non-issue (which I can only assume he felt VERY stupidly after doing) I wouldn’t count on me smiling and waving anything more than one finger at them when I see them outside…

I don’t actually do that… but I imagine doing it in my head all the time LOL.

I keep to myself, as does my husband. We aren’t “quite” *hermetic*… but we don’t bother people, you know?

A childhood friend of mine’s father, Steve, lives around the corner from my place and I have known him since I was about 5 years old, when I was in the same kindergarten class as his daughter.

Next to him is a woman who I worked with last summer in the lab at the HJ Heinz factory here in town… her name is Kathy… I like her :) she is sort of hippy-ish, like me!

But other than that… I know nothing about the inhabitants of the 50 or so houses that surround mine…

When the weather got warm enough this spring, I was standing in the driveway and Mike, the retiree from Ford, came outside and started talking to me… we talked about this and that; the house to the right of mine that no one has lived in for 15 years that is in desperate need of repair, the new person who moved into and is renting the house to the right of the *psycho residence* a few weeks back that owns 4 yippy dogs who bark at every sound, etc etc…

Then he told me that Steve had lost his battle with cancer and had passed away in the fall.

It hit me like a ton of bricks!

How detached have I become from the world? From MY world!

He lives 5 houses away from me, and he was gone for 6 months before I even realized I hadn’t seen him in a while!?!

I have known him almost all my life!

I felt pretty badly, because I didn’t pay my respects to him, or his family. I haven’t seen his daughter in about 15 years now… and although I would have preferred better/happier circumstances, it would have been nice to see her again, however briefly.

At that point I realized... I don’t want to be that person…

So...

Today, as I was walking Earl around the yard, waiting for him to sniff out the perfect few blades of grass to pee on, we noticed that the new lady across the street was outside.

She noticed Earl and I too… and we walked over and introduced ourselves.

Her name is Catherine… and we are neighbours… but maybe, someday, we will be friends too!

Dandelions

2010-04-05T05:13:00.000-07:00

He ran up from the yard...

with a gigantic smile on his face...

"I've got something for you mummy!"

he said...

careful not to reveal what was hidden behind his back.

"Whats that?" I asked.

A sticky fist full of bright yellow dandelions gets thrust forth with great pride.

"I picked you some flowers,"

he says,

"because you like them... and these weren't in someone elses garden... like the last time."

A hint of embarrassment was beginning to appear on his cheeks.

They're beautiful... and I love them,"

I tell him,

"I had better get them into some water."

How I loved those happy little flowers;

like smiling bits of sunshine in a cup

next to my otherwise-dull window pane.

They wither too quickly...

Thinking back...

I smile...

Secretly worrying that one day...

he won't remember to pick me dandelions anymore...

and he will forget how much I loved them...

*sigh*

After Life...

2010-02-27T23:11:00.000-08:00

Have you ever been witness to something that you just… couldn’t explain; something that left you frozen and speechless, staggering somewhere between absolute awe and sheer disbelief?

When I was a little girl, I had a cousin named Michael who was three years older than me… he was the oldest of my generation on my mother’s side of the family.

I say that I “had a cousin” because he is no longer with us… he got very sick and passed away when he was 11.

He had a brain tumor; with the technology at that time… it was inoperable.

I remember when they told me he was gone…

I was too young to understand death at 8… but still, my mother brought my brother and I to the showing. I don’t remember much… but I DO distinctly recall my cousin Lori, Mike’s younger sister, coming up to me in the funeral home and whispering, “Go touch him Michelle… he’s so cold.” loudly enough for only me to hear.

I never did go touch him.

Strange things have happened around Lori a lot since he died; pictures fly off of walls, glass candle holders mysteriously side off of tables and break, lights flicker on and off and her television has been known to do strange things too.

It has never REALLY worried her… she has never felt afraid or uneasy.

In fact, she never really says anything about these things because she just doesn’t want to freak people out.

Lori went to see a psychic a few years back; before she got married… she didn’t tell this woman anything about her life… not a single solitary detail.

While the woman was doing her “reading”, she was holding Lori’s hand… and rubbing it while she talked… slowly rocking back and forth with her eyes closed… then suddenly she stopped, opened her eyes wide, and looked directly into Lori’s and said, “When pictures fall off the wall… when things disappear and reappear somewhere they have no business being… THAT’S your brother!”

A few nights ago Lori‘s husband fell asleep early in their bedroom.

She finished up the dinner dishes and sat down on the couch to watch some tv and decompress.

She glanced down the hallway and saw Dave, fast asleep in their room… and after a few minutes… she too slipped out of consciousness while the television watched her.

The house was quiet… and still.

At around 2:30, Dave woke up and looked at the clock. He stared at the red numbers glowing in the near darkness of his bedroom. He looked around and noticed that his wife was not next to him and automatically assumed she had fallen asleep on the sofa, like she sometimes did.

The house was still, and quiet.

He propped his upper body up on his elbows, rubbed is eyes and looked down the hall.

There… in the glow of the television Dave saw his wife, asleep on the sofa… and in front of her, in their living room he saw a young boy standing before her… watching her sleep.

Dave didn’t know what to do… it was all so surreal.

The boy looked to be about the size of a 10 or 11 year old….. hundreds of thoughts were flooding Dave’s mind… meanwhile… the boy was just standing there… studying her.

Dave watched in silent disbelief for what seemed like an eternity… not entirely sure if he was actually seeing what he thought he was seeing or not.

He decided he should do something… so he raised his arm up in the air… and slowly waved it back and forth in the dark..

At the end of the hallway... the boy turned and looked toward him… raised his arm… and waved back. ... then turned his attention back to Lori,, who was still sound asleep .

Dave sat there staring for a few more long minutes… then… the boy was gone.

Just like that.

I’ve been spending a lot of time down there…

I am fairly sensitive to negativity… and I have never felt strange or uneasy.

I want to believe that it is Michael.

But I, personally, have never been witness to anything that I just… couldn’t explain...

Have you?

I Dont...

2010-01-09T21:38:00.000-08:00

I dont pretend to like people if I dont like them...
I dont worry about things that I cant change...
I dont like it when people take their half out of the middle...
I dont try to be something I'm not...
I dont really know what I believe, or believe IN sometimes...
I dont know what my problem is...
I dont care if what you have is newer, shiney-er or more expensive than what I have...
I dont lie...
I dont think enough people really THINK at all...
I dont like to send invitations...
I dont eat weird food...
I dont eat bananas very often...
I dont eat carrots very often either...
I dont spend my every~day blogging because...
I dont have that many interresting things to say every~day...
I dont hate on people who do...
I dont hate on people, period...
I dont like doing dishes...
I dont like people who judge a whole because of a single part...
I dont assume...
I dont argue about things unless im sure that I'm right...
I dont have a hard time admitting I'm wrong...
I dont have a hard time appologizing either...
I dont wanna go back to school next week...
I dont want to make something to eat, but I'm hungry...
I dont think cartoons are as good as they used to be...
I dont believe i have so many pink pairs of underwear...
I dont even really like PINK...
I dont like snow, or cold, or winter...
I dont like the sweltering heat in summer either...
I dont think anyone has a cooler dog than Earl...
I dont like sleeping alone...
I dont always finish what I start...
I dont ...... understand...
I dont have enough time to finish this list...

A Christmas Memory...

2009-12-17T11:51:00.000-08:00

When I was a little girl... I lived with my father who was a single dad... I believe he struggled at times with money and maintaining his sanity, as I imagine many single parents do. Being a man's man and a construction worker... raising a little girl must have been scary for him at times.

To offset that lonely feeling he often got... he kept himself as busy as he could.

I remember him visiting, cooking for, and passing notes with my great grandfather, who was at one time in the merchant marines, but had lost his hearing, and was also alone...

He coached hockey every year because he loved the kids and the game...

He took me to my gymnastics lessons and watched me tumble and do headstands every week for a number of years...

And when I was VERY young he even volunteered to play Santa at the local mall.

My father is a man cut from a special cloth... and there aren't many like him to be sure!

My brother and I were still young enough that we believed... so of course we wanted to go see Santa too... and whisper our most secret Christmas wishes in his ear ... just like every other kid who still believes does... so my father told us that he had to work late... and that my grandparents would be bringing us to see Santa.

I was daddy's girl... and while I would have preferred to have my daddy bring me... I was fine with going with gramps and my mim... especially since my only other alternative was NOT TO SEE SANTA AT ALL!

We got to the mall and there was a line up... and we waited and waited and waited... for what seemed like forever!

Finally, it was my turn to sit on his knee! Santa laughed a BIG HEARTY laugh and said, "Hello Michelle... would YOU like to tell Santa what you want for Christmas?"

"yes I would Santa!" i said... and he leaned his ear down towards me and tuned into my little whispers....

I asked him for something special for my daddy, it was a LONG time ago, but I think it was a new fishing rod... and something for my mommy, and my brother... and my grand parents... and last but not least... a little something for myself.

Santa told me that it was nice that I had asked for things for other people too, and not just myself... and told me that he would do his very best to get everyone what I wanted them to have... he wished me a Merry Christmas and told me to keep being a good little girl.

My grandparents brought my brother and I home, and after a few hours my father came home from "work". He asked us about Santa... and we were SO excited to tell him all about what had happened while he was away.

Bedtime rolled around and my father came up to my room to say my prayers with me... like he always did... give me a hug and a kiss, tuck me in and tell me that he loved me...

I said " G'night daddy... I love you too... but I want to tell you something..."

"what's that honey?" he replied...

"Santa has eyes just like yours."

**I tell you this story as it was told to me... by my father... several years later... once i had stopped believing.**

Our Story...

2009-11-08T13:00:00.000-08:00

(an old blog reposted in honour of my anniversary)

Here’s a little story that you all might enjoy….its our story, and now it’s yours to read.

I have always lived in this small town. I rarely ever leave. The same doctor delivered me and my son…and he’s still my doctor to this very day.

There are not a whole lot of people in my town and after 30 some odd years there are very few people who live here that I don’t know, or at the very least, know a family member of.

I had my son when I was very young, and by that I mean I was 16, which is very young in my book. I had always been independent as far as having a man went. My sons father never really bothered… so I figured we were in it together … my son and I…and that’s who I lived for every day.

It was hard, but I finished high school, then I went out and got a job. I have always had a job since then… up until now that is.

I lived at home with my pops, but I took care of him as much as he took care of me, if not more. He was usually there when I needed him and always there when I didn’t. He set a good example… you know … he was honest and loving and all that mushy crap… my dad is actually kind of a puddle. Sometimes on Sunday mornings he would play John Denver records and cry….he still hugs the hell out of me and gets weepy every time he sees me. Which kind of bugs me… but whatever.

So… fast forward to 1999 … by this time my son was almost 5…and I was 21. I never really bothered to have a boyfriend, I mean…I had “men friends” who visited me occasionally to fulfill certain needs…but …I never wanted to get too deeply involved with anyone… partly because of my son… I didn’t want him to have his heart broken or be made to feel unwanted by some random man… you know?

I had been doing this “independent” thing for a long time and I was happy. I went where I wanted to go, when I wanted to go there, with whomever I felt like going with… and life was good.

I have never been much of a drinker…but my friends and I would often go to the local watering hole…for me it was just to hang out and play pool, but for my friends… it was always a mission to get hammered! So… of course, I got stuck driving everyone home a lot.

I was supposed to meet my friend at the bar this one particular night and I went out alone to find her. The music in the bar was kind of loud, as it usually is in places of this sort, people were dancing and the air was thick with smoke. I walked from one end of the bar to the other trying to locate my friend… to no avail. It turned out, she wasn’t there at all. However…as I was squirming through the crowd, this guy caught my eye….well…actually his body did…I won’t lie. He had these sexy arms and he was wearing a white sleeveless shirt. He was of the African American persuasion. All I could think when I walked past him was WOW! I held my breath as I walked past him… now that I think about it… he literally took my breath away!

Then someone grabbed my arm…. and my heart nearly stopped.

Now, be advised… I am a very short person…in fact I am only 4 foot 11…and the man who grabbed my arm was massive… about 6 foot 3! I suddenly became very, VERY nervous.

He leaned down and said, “I think you are beautiful …will you dance with me?” in this fine Caribbean accent.

I was at a loss for words…and I was standing there all alone…what was I supposed to do??? So, politely, I said, “No…thanks anyways …I’m not really much of a dancer.”

He looked so very disappointed… but said, “Ok.”… Then he smiled and let go of my arm.

I never did find my friend that night, and I wound up just going back home.

THIS MAN occupied my every thought for an entire week.

Living in an area with a very small population of non-whites I had never dated a brown skinned guy before… as a matter of fact, my best friend in high school was always trying to set me up with her African American buddies that lived in the city. But I always told her, “Unless he’s LLcool J…I’m really not interested!”… Not because I disliked men of colour or because I was discriminating against anyone… I just wasn’t particularly attracted to them for whatever reason AND because lets face it… LL has an exceptional wow factor!

I never thought I would see the guy from the bar again…even though he totally made me melt. But, the next week…he was at the bar…waiting for me….hoping to see ME again!

We spent the night talking and last call rolled around before we knew it. I was ALREADY a fool for love because this guy said all the right things…so I offered him a ride home. My friend Teresa was with me that night… I told her that I would drive her to her car so she could drive herself home, and then I would be free to bring my new friend home.

LET ME TELL YOU…she was having none of that, “Michelle…you are so not going anywhere with that guy alone…I’m staying with you!” she said while shaking her head with her hands on her hips. I laughed at her and told her to get the hell out of my car before I shoved her out with my foot!

I had some business to take care of!

We drove around for about an hour, he and I. I was waiting for him to make some kind of move you know…put his hand on my lap…brush my hair off of my neck softly…something, anything!

I GOT NOTHIN!

When I stopped to drop him off and he reached over, held my hand and kissed me on the cheek. He told me it was, “nice spending time with me,” and that he, “hoped to see me again sometime soon.”

And I was left sitting there thinking…What the hell??? That brother could have had me at hello!

He was a total gentleman….in every sense and I was going home hungry so to speak.

By the third weekend…it was ON! I was gonna get this guy if it killed me!!

We met at the bar and left together again…this time… not for home!

I learned that he was here on an international contract to work for eight months. He was eleven years older than me. And I’d be lying if I told you I didn’t think he was the best thing since sliced bread.

I drove us out to a secluded beach and suggested we take a walk. The moon was so full and the water was like a sheet of glass. It was such a beautiful night. I will never forget it as long as I live.

So, we walked and talked… and as we were coming back to the place where I had parked the car…I mentioned that I was thirsty and a little bit cold. He immediately took off his jacket and draped it over my shoulders.

He then asked if he could kiss me.

YES!! My mind was screaming YES…OH GOD YES!

But I said, “You know you really shouldn’t have asked, because if I say no…you feel rejected and if I say yes, well… then I’m easy! Right?”

So he sat down on a big, old, fallen tree and I sat next to him and he put his hand under my chin and gently lifted my face up until our eyes met… and he kissed me… it was an amazing kiss.

No one had ever kissed me and made me feel that way ever EVER before.
I asked him if he had to work in the morning… and he said no!

“I’m keeping you till the sun comes up!” I thought.

And I did!

It was the most amazing sex I have ever had…I mean… really mind blowing you know? I won’t go into intricate detail…but…we tore that place up and we were there on the beach, under the moon and stars all night long, and I wasn’t cold again for the rest of the night!

I brought him back to the place he was staying at around 5:45 in the morning, and then I went home in slipped silently in through the back door so no one would realize that I had been out all night.

We only had 2 months to be together before he was set to go back home to the islands and I loved him already… but I didn’t know it yet. He knew he loved me from the first time he saw me…so he says. I think I did too… but love was a new concept for me and love at first sight sounds so … unrealistic and naive!

October rolled around and it was time for him to go back. He promised me that he would come back for me …even though I told him I was never ever going to marry him.

Right now you might be wondering why I would say something like that to someone I was SO into, right? Well… I told him this because I have always had a poor take on the design of marriage. Both of my parents had been divorced more than once and I saw it as “just a piece of paper for the church and the government”.

I even went as far as suggesting he find another woman to marry him… get his immigration papers and then leave her… in order for us to live together without having to get married!

He said he didn’t care…he would keep coming back forever for me… and all I had to do was wait for him. He figured he would ware me down I guess.

He was gone for about 4 months and we talked on the phone occasionally, I wrote him letters every week…I was so hot for him…you have no idea! I got butterflies in my stomach every time I thought about him… literally! J Sometimes I STILL do!

He called me the very same night he came back and we were at the end of the local peer doing the dirty-dirty in the front seat of my car within five minutes of seeing each other…I was waiting for him for 4 months and I couldn’t wait any more. It wasn’t even dark out and cars were driving by pretty slowly…now that I think about it…we were crazy…but at the time…it was out of my control! Stronger forces were at work!

Now, its time for the part of the story where some of you reading will look down on me.

I had a man who loved me to death, and I hid him from my family, and from my friends. I’m not prejudiced in any way at all…honestly, but I was afraid of what my family would do and say… partly because he was a man of colour and partly because he was foreign. I heard the whispers in the back round, the “He’s only with her so he can get papers from immigration” comments people made…and I was afraid that maybe… just maybe, there was some truth to them.

No one had ever loved me before…I was basically just a good time girl to most of the guys I had been with…I was never loved…I had never known that kind of love. What business did I have thinking this guy was any different than the rest of the guys I had dealt with in my life?

To this day I am ashamed of my actions…for often it is not what you say…it’s what you don’t say that speaks volumes.

And there was so much I did not say…so much I should have done, but didn’t do. And so many things I did do…that I shouldn’t have.

Despite all this, he spent every spare moment he had with me for the next eight months. He was working in a greenhouse operation and the woman who owned it treated all the men she had in her employ from the islands like property NOT people… for no other reason than the brown skin they had.

These guys work in the greenhouses, under plastic, in 100 degree heat and she would run over to the bunk house and shut off the air conditioner … (to save herself money on the electricity bill I assume) So when they got a break, and came in for lunch… it was just as hot inside as it was outside … she gave them no chance for relief…and she didn’t care… I hope one day that karma pays her a lengthy, agonizing visit!

At any rate, we were together so often that the inevitable happened… I got pregnant! I was already a single mother living at home with my father… I had just started at a fantastic new job… and then this! I didn’t know how to tell him OR my father… I didn’t know what either of them would say… or how they would react.

So I did the unspeakable… I made the appointment and went to the hospital all on my own… I didn’t even tell him. I got scared and made a snap decision that I have regretted and had to live with every day of my life since then.

I started to pull away from him…I told him I felt that we were moving too fast. I said all kinds of stupid things that made no sense at all because I couldn’t bring myself to tell him the truth… I just couldn’t find the words!

Strangely though, somehow… he knew what was going on and what I had done without me even telling him. He forgave me without a second thought; I didn’t even have to ask him to forgive me! He understood me… even though I offered no explanation. He made me better… and FINALLY I quit fighting what I felt.

On his last day here before going back home the second time I went to the farm to pick him up and take him to the place where the bus was going to pick him up and take him to the airport. I was sad because I knew it would be another long 4 months before I would see him again.

I sat in my car in the driveway and waited for him.

The old lady who owned the place came out when she saw me there waiting for someone and she decided to walk over and question me.

Who are you waiting for??
Why are you waiting for him??
Is he your boyfriend???

Then she proceeded to tell me that I should go and find myself a nice white boyfriend because this man had nothing to offer me, she told me he was poor and that I didn’t know where he had been.

I could not believe the nerve that this woman had. How dare she talk to me in such a way about someone I cared so much about?

So I told her to piss off… I told her that I didn’t need her approval, or anyone else’s for that matter. I also bluntly advised her to back away from my car before something bad happened to her, and then I shut my window.

~But she watched him come over to my car, and she shook her head.
~She watched us leave.
~She did not bring him back the next year.

**Because of me.**

He was away from me for 18 months and I had given up hope of ever seeing him again. I had quit calling him, and I had also quit writing. I guess it is safe to say that I had moved on.
.
.
.
One afternoon I woke up, after sleeping all day because I was on the midnight shift, to find the little red light on my cell phone blinking. I had a message! No biggie right?

WRONG!

When the message played I heard a voice that I thought I would never hear again…it said, “Michelle, its me…I’m back in your country, but don’t call me at this number…I will call you again as soon as I can!”

My heart skipped a beat. Thousands of thoughts flooded my mind simultaneously. And I could do nothing but wait. It was the longest wait I have ever had to endure.

I could hardly believe he had taken my insane suggestion to find a woman to temporarily marry seriously… let alone believe he was actually going to go through with it!

I can still remember when the phone rang again.

I was driving to work when I answered it, and he said hello. I was so happy I was speechless…he had to say hello again. I said “hey…did you miss me?” And he said yes. I asked if he wanted to see me…and he said yes…so I asked, “How do you want to see me?” … he kind of got quiet and said, “I don’t understand what you are asking me.” So I smiled and said, “Do you want to see me naked?” And he laughed…I could hear him smiling over the phone. And he said, “Of course I do! But,”……..there was a big huge but…. “I’m with a woman; she is the one who sent the ticket for me and brought me here. But I don’t love her Michelle…I love you…I came back for YOU!

Oddly, I was ok with that because I knew I was going to get all that sweet love again soon.

He told me that they were going to go to Cuba for a week and that he would be back.

I had been saving money for the entire 18 months that he was gone so I immediately started looking for a house to buy, so we would have a place to be together whenever we wanted.

He was back from Cuba in time for my birthday and we were together constantly again… like peas and carrots. But, STILL, I kept him a secret.

It’s shameful really but it’s the truth!

I found a house and was moved in the first of July, by this time I had technically been “the other woman” for three months!

I couldn’t understand how this other girl could be so unaware. I mean … we were together every day….literally 3 or 4 times a day…he was only with her to sleep at night. Had it been me in her shoes…I would have caught on long before that point.

Eventually, he stayed the night with me at my house and she was furious! I can’t say I blame her…if I had been on the other end of this situation, well…lets just say I am glad I wasn’t.

So we sat down together that morning and I told him I just couldn’t stand by anymore and go about things the way I had been.

He said, “Michelle, you said you would never marry me?” and all I could reply with was, “Sometimes people change their minds.”

He reached across the kitchen table and held both of my small white hands inside of his large brown hands and asked me, “Are you ready to be a wife?”

At that moment… when I looked at our hands… I knew! There was no longer any doubt…I said, “Yes.”

Things went quickly after that for us because we were working with a very small allowance of time. The woman who he was with stole his passport and his status had gone out…which means he was officially an illegal alien with no passport. We had to get him a new passport from his consulate and report the loss of his original one.

Now remember… this woman was scorned, and she was mad as hell because I was sleeping with and had stolen what she thought was “her man.” I knew she had every right to be feeling that way. Lord knows if it was me...heads would have rolled!

Within a week we were married! Rings, dress, suit, justice of the peace and everything …done! I know my husband still feels like he cheated my family because the only ones there were my mother, my father and one of my cousins.

My older brother wasn’t invited because he had a negative opinion of the whole situation and some pretty negative comments were made to me… something along the lines of, “you’re a whore”… but peppered with racial slurs. So I figured…why should I even bother trying to make them understand? I wanted to be happy, and I knew my happiness lied with Julius.

My father suggested that I was only getting married because of all the drugs I was on? (I wasn’t on any drugs at all just so you all know). But my mother….my wonderful mother told me, “Michelle, take happiness wherever you can find it, and hold onto it with both hands as long as you can! Never let that go! If you are only happy for a week, then at least you had happiness in your life for that long!”

My mom loves me and so does my husband. My father and brother eventually came around too… and I love them all, even those who weren’t very happy for me. Their negativity only made me stronger and gave me something to prove!

I have never shared so much of “our story” before… I have made many mistakes in my life and have done a whole slew of things I am not proud of. Everything happens for a reason… I have grown so much as a person since Julius came into my life.

On the 10th of November we will be celebrating seven years of marriage… and I couldn’t be happier… Happy Anniversary Baby!

So... I'm starting to freak out a little!

2009-10-28T07:46:00.000-07:00

It seems to me that almost every day I am getting some new email about the swine flu, or hearing something negative on the news about the vaccine.

like this one : No one should take the swine flu vaccine—it is one of the most dangerous vaccines ever devised. It contains an immune adjuvant called squalene (MF-59) which has been shown to cause severe autoimmune disorders such as MS, rheumatoid arthritis and Lupus. This is the vaccine adjuvant that is strongly linked to the Gulf War syndrome, which killed over 10,000 soldiers and caused a 200% increase in the fatal disease ALS (Lou Gehreg disease). This virus H1N1 kills by causing a “cytokine storm”, which means that it cause the body’s immune system to overreact and that is why it is killing young people and is a mild disease in the elderly. (The elderly have weakened immune systems.) This vaccine is a very powerful immune stimulator and carries the real possibility of making the lethality of the virus much greater.

I got that one yesterday!

or this one that I got the day before:

The only portals of entry are the nostrils and mouth/throat. In a global epidemic of this nature, it's almost impossible to avoid coming into contact with H1N1 in spite of all precautions. Contact with H1N1 is not so much of a problem as proliferation is.

While you are still healthy and not showing any symptoms of H1N1 infection, in order to prevent proliferation, aggravation of symptoms and development of secondary infections, some very simple steps, not fully highlighted in most official communications, can be practiced (instead of focusing on how to stock N95 or Tamiflu):

1. Frequent hand-washing (well highlighted in all official communications).

2. "Hands-off-the-face" approach. Resist all temptations to touch any part of face (unless you want to eat or bathe.)

3. *Gargle twice a day with warm salt water (use Listerine or Hydrogen Peroxide if you don't trust salt). *H1N1 takes 2-3 days after initial infection in the throat/ nasal cavity to proliferate and show characteristic symptoms. Simple gargling prevents proliferation. In a way, gargling with salt water has the same effect on a healthy individual that Tamiflu has on an infected one. Don't underestimate this simple, inexpensive and powerful preventative method.

4. Similar to 3 above, *clean your nostrils at least once every day with warm salt water, or hydrogen peroxide. *Not everybody may be good at Jala Neti or Sutra Neti (very good Yoga asanas to clean nasal cavities), but *blowing the nose softly once a day and swabbing both nostrils with cotton buds dipped in warm salt water is very effective in bringing down viral population.*

5. *Boost your natural immunity with foods that are rich in Vitamin C (Amla and other citrus fruits). *If you have to supplement with Vitamin C tablets, make sure that it also has Zinc to boost absorption.

6. *Drink as much of warm liquids (tea, coffee, etc) as you can. *Drinking warm liquids has the same effect as gargling, but in the reverse direction. They wash off proliferating viruses from the throat into the stomach where they cannot survive, proliferate or do any harm.

One minute they're telling me "YOU NEED TO GET THE VACCINE!"

and the next minute they're telling me "IF YOU GET EVEN JUST THE REGULAR SEASONAL FLU SHOT YOU CAN GET SOME RARE NEUROLOGICAL DISORDER AND ONLY BE ABLE TO WALK BACKWARDS FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!"

Have you heard about that woman in washington??

One person says the swine flu will kill me, and the next guy says that the vaccine will?

Who the hell am I supposed to believe?

There are all kinds of conspiracy theories going around about mass depopulation and stuff!!

I mean... who do I trust? Who is right? I'm no scientist... but that doesnt mean I'd trust a scientist... especially if they were working for a government!

Should I just get the regular flu shot and take my chances?

I've never gotten a flu shot before and I've fared well so far? But who's to say that my luck isn't about to run out?

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?

WHAT DO YOU KNOW TO BE FACT ABOUT H1N1? ENLIGHTEN ME GUYS!

I think maybe I will just buy up all of the bottled water in town and hide in my basement until armageddon!

Will one of you grab my mail for me?

My Cousin Got a New Puppy! Awww!

2009-10-07T16:42:00.000-07:00

So... my cousin Jeff got a puppy! :) It's a boy and he has yet to name it.

He asked me if i had any suggestions... I always have suggestions!!

so i told him to name to him GARY!

then i said to myself... i said,

"Self... why do you suppose no one gives their dog a last name?"

So i told him to name him Gary Anderson... Gary would sort of be a funny name for a dog all by itself anyways... and if he named him Gary Anderson he could walk into his house at the end of the day and say

"HELLO MR ANDERSON!"

Just like the bad guy from the matrix!

He then proceeded to tell me that his girlfriend wanted to name it "Hershey" ??

HER(GIRL)SHE(GIRL)Y!

I said "I thought you said it was a boy?"

Then I told him that i thought that was a lame NOT a name... the dog isnt even brown?

I later came home and told my savages that i was trying to think of a name for our cousins dog... and asked them if they had any suggestions...

The oldest ALWAYS has suggestions!! LOL

He says :

"ABRAHAM LINCOLN!"

WTF?

That kid cracks me up!!

The Cats in the Cradle...

2009-09-21T21:16:00.000-07:00

Today, my son turned 15...

I hugged him and I started to cry just a little...

but not quite enough to get his shirt wet.

My heart swelled when he hugged me back.

I told him I remembered when he was so small that I could hold him in the crook of my arm.

He smiled and nodded his head...

"I know mom."

I told him I remembered when he got too big and tall for me to carry to bed when he fell asleep on the couch...

He smiled again and rested his chin on the top of my head...

"I know mom."

I told him how very much I loved him.

"I love you too mom."

I said

"Happy Birthday Jordan"

... and I let go ...

... and he smiled ...

*sigh*

I'm REALLY a boy...

2009-09-02T12:26:00.000-07:00

well...

not really a real boy...

more like a tom boy... but I bet it shocked the hell outa you when you read that huh?

let me explain why I think that maybe I'm really a boy...

I have been working a lot the last few weeks... mostly at the HEINZ plant here in town running all the quality tests on condiments in the lab... its very glamorous! I come home with ketchup all over me most mornings!

There is only one MAN working with us in the lab... the rest of the employees are women...

AND THEY'RE CATTY AS FRICK!

Everyone hates each other... except for the one lady... who as it turns out lives just three doors down from me! She's kinda hippy-ish and i like her... she looks just like Meryl Streep actually... and she is kind and helpful.

BUT... the rest of them... with the exception of Meryl and the ONE OLDER GENTLEMAN... hate each other!

Everyone is trying to out-do everyone else in some way. Everyone worries about their hair do-s and shoes and shit... and everyone is spiteful, rude and angry with everyone and everything.

That's part of why I'm really a man...

I have NEVER been one to care about any of that sort of thing...

I don't wear make up...

I wear t-shirts and jeans with my steeltoe-s and socks to work.

Most days I just throw my hair in a ponytail or a clip...

I go to work every day... I work hard and do my job then go home!

It is not my intent to make people feel deficient in any way... or be a big big bitch... or spend my day sneering and growling under my breath at people or clucking like a freaking hen in a hen house! I'm not trying to outshine anyone... I just want people to know that I'm competent lol!

SERIOUSLY!

Maybe its just me? but I swear to CHRIST if I wasn't on steady midnights with the one man who is working in there (and is ALSO on steady midnights) ID QUIT!

Another reason that I might be a man is... I don't make a big deal out of Valentines Day, or Sweetest's day ... or any of those OTHER hallmark holidays really...

I don't expect or want gifts for our anniversary... It'd be nice to not hafta cook dinner... and if we can order a pizza and get a few pops... I'M BEYOND COOL with that!

I don't particularly like shopping unless there is something I NEED to buy... and even then... I like to be able to go in... get what i need... and get out as quickly and expeditiously as possible!

I even think like a man... don't ask.

I must be the weirdest woman ever? Am i weird?

Maybe its because I was raised by my father?

SHUT UP JANET!!

2009-09-02T12:23:00.000-07:00

Last weekend I was in upper Michigan for a close friend of the family's wedding... and it took us forever to get there!

My mother is the one who was initially invited... my brother was standing up on the grooms side... my dad was there too... mostly cuz my brothers a bum and he could never afford to pay for a room at this place for the two days that he needed to be there for the wedding on his own!

Having dad and mom in the same place still kinda worries me because... even though he and my mah have been divorced for like... 27 years... the old man still holds on to a little bitterness cuz she broke his heart and left him for one of his buddies... *shrugs*

Anyways... mom calls me up, because she wont drive in the States cuz it'd make her a nervous basket-case (this way she gets to make ME the nervous basket case!), and asks me if I will go to the wedding with her... she'll pay for the room and i can get the gas... I reluctantly agreed... but I asked her if it'd be cool if julius came too... just because I dig his company ;) lol... mah ok'd it with the groom... and that's how i got roped into all this!

I have probably got THE worst sense of direction in the entire western hemisphere! I don't particularly like to drive anywhere that i'm not familiar with the roads or the lay of the land either... but i do what i gotta do eh... especially if my mah asks me to.

My mah gets written directions from this friend of hers who used to drive truck... and he googles her a map... mom highlights a route (incorrectly) with the least amount of turns AND borrows a GPS from this broad at her work named Janet. Mom can't stand Janet... hates technology... but brings the GPS anyways and plugs it into the dash as soon as she gets into the truck at 6:30 am on saturday morning.

As soon as the GPS says something... mah tells it to, "Shut up Janet" and proceeds to tell it that we are following "mr bill's map"... then she looks at me and says, "That thing is gonna make us crazy by the time we get there!"

I think to myself, "you're already making me crazy!"

The husband quietly observes all of this from the back seat and is no doubt already laughing at me!

... but i love my mah... and we continue on our way... telling Janet the GPS "bitch in the box" to, "shut up!"

The wedding ceremony is set to start at 5:00 pm... but mah insisted that we needed to leave at the crack of dawn in case something came up... and so we did... cuz you cant argue with mah!

Problem #1 occurs at the border when we discover that the last time julius and I came to the states... we forgot to bring his I-90 back... which is something to do with his visa because he isn't a canadian citizen... but buddy the border guard lets us go after giving Julius the 3rd degree and issuing him a warning not to forget this time... OR ELSE ACCESS TO THE UNITED STATES will be denied!

DE-NIED BITCHES!!

We say sorry... like nice Canadians do... and we're off again....

It was a nice drive once we were outside the Detroit city limits... with the exception of the rain... The landscape started to roll a little... there were lovely hills and valleys and we even saw a few deer... which was nice... even though some of them were dead. :(

Problem #2... By 1:00 or so we had reached Traverse City and mom started panicking because we are driving along some water that didn't seem to be present on her little black and white google map... and she started freaking out... she insisted that I stop somewhere so she can go in and ask someone for directions... and you don't argue with mom so... we stopped... but I warned her that i was gonna lay an "I told you so" on her.

She came out of this place with YET ANOTHER MAP... and decides that we should continue to ignore "Janet" ... the new map is much bigger an better than the old map... and we continue on our way...

I TOLD YOU SO MAH!

Turns out her highlighting skills suck cuz she had us coming in from the wrong direction in fluorescent pink... and SINCE she didn't have a map of the entire world... she wasn't able to see lake MICHIGAN on her little google paper!

We get to a place where the road signs FINALLY start to reflect where we want to go...and we can all breathe a sigh of relief!

THAT is of course, until Problem #3... the bridge is out!

"Janet" is telling us to "go straight three miles , then, turn left"

but we would have ended up in the drink if we listened to her at that point... Mah is telling Janet to shut up again... I'm looking at my mah and wondering what her trusty map is going to tell her... and we turn around and pull over...

I tell my mah that we are going to have to listen to "Janet" because we no longer have a choice... mah agrees and Janet MIRACULOUSLY gets us to the resort in NO TIME FLAT!

AGAIN... I TOLD YOU SO MAH!

We check in... iron out our clothes a little... fix our hair and stuff and ride the ski lift up to the top of the mountain where the ceremony is going to take place.

It was beautiful!

This whole damn place was beautiful!

The sky was grey and threatening rain the whole time.... but it all worked out... and we rode the ski lift back down to the lodge for some alcoholic consumptions and the reception dinner.

The ski lift was fun :) i took lots of dumb pics!

The head table was set up in front of some huge windows... and there was a pretty man-made waterfall outside behind them... it REALLY was a swanky place... and kinda rustic at the same time... with big log trusses and wooden furniture all over the place.

After dinner... the bride and groom had their first dance... the bride had her dance with her father... the wedding party went out and attempted to do the hustle...

my GOD they were awful! Especially the men lol!

and then... PROBLEM #4... the DJ blew his amp!

That's right ... 3 songs and no more music for the night!

I managed to sneak away for a little stress relief with the bride, Columbo (another grooms man, yes that's his real first name) and my brother... I have now officially smoked weed in two countries! GO ME!!

The bride is freakin out because the DJ has managed to screw up her wedding reception ROYALLY...

But I lay a little silver lining on her... and told her that at least she got their first dance, her wedding party dance and her dance with her dad!

And the edge had been taken off so... all was well... we were all smiling and laughing in no time! GO ME AGAIN!

This place had a huge outdoor fireplace... and since dancing was out of the question, (thankfully... judging from the display I had previously seen!) everyone sat around and talked and mingled and drank outside by the fire.

Later, we retired to our room... with my mah... and no possibility of booty for me unless I was willing to drop my pants in the woods... so we went to sleep neither of us was feeling that adventurous.

The next morning we decided that we would get out there onto the road early so that we could do some shopping in Detroit before we came back to Canada. We milled around for a bit... snapping up a few pictures before we left... and we walked around the side of the Lodge to get a pic of the waterfall that the wedding party was sitting in from of.

As we are turning to walk away from the waterfall... mom looks down and says "whats that?"

So i look down... and there on the side of the building is evidence that SOME people WERE feeling adventurous... and I snap a picture of the thong for laughs.

I walked over to the truck where Julius was waiting and told him about it... he thought it was funny too. :)

I told mom that we were gonna program "Janet" to take us to Eureka Rd cuz that's where we wanted to go shopping... and that we were going to listen to "Janet" cuz she knew where we were going!

I have never used a GPS... but I figured it couldn't be that hard.

So i typed in "Eureka..." and it gives me addresses on "Eureka Street" in Detroit... and I'm happy with it... and we are on our way! SWEET!!

At around 2:00pm ...our arrival time is showing on the GPS as "5 minutes away" and we are in some little neighbourhood in the D...

PROBLEM#5... MICHELLE NEEDS TO BE MORE SPECIFIC WITH JANET!

We are on "eureka STREET... not Eureka ROAD! YIKES!!"

Mom is freakin out AGAIN!

I'm tired and tired of listening to my mah panic... so... I re-programed "Janet" CORRECTLY and we got the hell outta dodge right quick!

Mom was watching the GPS but she wasn't READING anything on the screen... it is telling me to turn here and there when there are two or three turning possibilities in a row and I'm not sure which one to take... and I keep making wrong turns and it keeps "Recalculating" and we are running around in circles until i see a sign that says "bridge to Canada!"

THAT'S IT... we are GOING HOME GODAMMIT!

We get to the bridge... hit the duty free store for gas and beer... the gas pump is all fucked up, mom starts panicking YET AGAIN!

And I am running low on patience and have been stuck in a truck and THC deficient for way too long!

We manage to get our gas after three attempts to enter our "province code" and hit the bridge hoping like hell that the border guard wont make us pay the duty on the beer... and head back to "our home and native land" !

OF COURSE... we had to pay duty... but at this point... i didn't even care!

We dropped off my mom... i apologized for snappin on her for being a spaz... she understood, as mom's usually do... and i sped home to hit a big fatty in the garage!

*sigh*

what a weekend!

I hate having to go to weddings!

But I always seem to have fun... yanno?

There is a Hole in the Universe...

2009-08-05T07:00:00.000-07:00

I had waited at my work station until almost everyone had gone home...
I stood there... took a deep breath and let my eyes soak in the place where I had spent 8 hours a day for some of the last 7 years, then started walking towards the exit thinking about it all.
I stood there... the chains clanking loudly overhead, the smell of motor oil and heavy metal was thick in the air...

I pushed the door open and stepped out into the blinding daylight... for the last time.

I will never forget the way I felt walking out of the plant on October 13th, 2006... There was a gigantic lump in my throat... it was hard to swallow... and I was almost successful in holding back the tears...
I took the long way around on my way out... and walked slowly... with my head hanging... my steel toed shoes felt heavier that day than they ever had before.they had torn it down and sold it off piece by rusted old piece... I DID know... it was all over the news papers when they did it... but it was the first time I had SEEN the spot where the foundry stood... without seeing the foundry... and it hit me REALLY hard... I was definitely taken aback... because it had ALWAYS been there... and then all of a sudden... it was just... GONE... there was nothing left but gravel and big cement blocks.
I walked through the gate, said "have a good night" to the security guards and left the Ford parking lot for the last time as a full time employee.
It was hard... mostly because I liked my job and the people that I worked with so much... Being a person who only had a high school education... losing a job with such fantastic wages, pension plan and benefits package didn't make it any easier... but there was really nothing I could do.
A feeling of hopelessness sort of crept over me and settled there for a little while.
They offered me a "buy-out" package... totaling $75,000... But I decided to take my chances and NOT accept it. I remained on the "indefinitely laid off" list in hopes that some day the auto industry would pick back up... and three years later I'm still waiting.
I was off for a year before I decided to further my education... and with the help of my friends and family... I finished this April.
Since I didn't take the "buy out" I could sign up to work as a TPT (that's short for temporary part time) just on Mondays and Fridays to cover the full-timers who had put in a request for a day off... and they called me in to work in the aluminum foundry... which was ok... but it kind of sucked because mosta the time I was stuck on clean-up in the "core room"... which meant... I was shoveling sand for 8 hours... literally.
But for $34 an hour ... gimme that damn shovel! you know?
There are 6 Ford Plants on the Windsor site... The Casting Plant (iron foundry), 2 Aluminum Casting Plants (aluminum foundries), a power Plant on the Detroit River, and three Engine Assembly Plants... I preferred the engine assembly BUT have spent time in all but the power plant in my 7 years there.

After working for a while as a TPT at the aluminum plant shoveling, they moved me back into the Windsor Truck Modular Engine Plant (TMEP)... and let me tell you I was elated not to have to spend the summer in a building where they melt and pour aluminum with a shovel in my hands!!
The last time I had worked at the TMEP it was located right beside the old iron foundry... and there was a long alley way between the two buildings where everyone went to smoke at break time or just to get some "fresh" air...
BUT...
When I walked thru the gate a few weeks ago... for the first time in a long time... there was this HUGE hole in the universe right there!

Its not that I didn't know that

I remember feeling the same way when they tore down the big yellow house on the hill by my dads place that my friend JP lived in when we were kids... it was a VERY old house... JP always told us there were ghosts in it ... but I never saw any myself. It too had just..... always been there... and then one day... it wasn't... and that's the way it felt... like there was a big hole in the universe where that house used to be.
Have you ever had that feeling?

2009-08-01T08:47:00.000-07:00

I know its been a minute since i have blogged ...AGAIN!

(the last blog i posted was a cheat b'cause it was an old blog that i refurbished)

I just go through these dry spells where I have all these things that i want to say... but none of them are significant enough to make me want to share... or they are just thoughts with no substance... which can be fun... but i like substance!
The three main things that have stuck with me are... the weird instances i keep having with birds (black ones in particular), the hole in the universe that i walked past last monday on my way into the plant, and my pond, which i built over the last week in my yard, with a little help from some family!
I will skip the birds thing for now... b'cause its just kinda eerie, and creepy and it seems to have passed... I'm afraid if i talk about it all the weird shit will start happening again... so maybe i'll blog that some other time...
i will also jump passed the hole in the universe... i know it sounds kinda interesting... and I WILL write a little something about it soon enough... but not just yet.
For now i will share my pond :)
Last saturday i got sick and tired of looking at this ugly shrub i had in the little "island garden" between my house, the front sidewalk and the driveway. Not that it was REALLY ugly... i just didn't like it... i haven't liked it since we moved in 7 years ago... It was only good for two things: collecting spiders by the millions and for christmas light placement... THAT'S IT!
So I called up my dad, who has a backhoe, (bribed him with some lunch!) and he came over with it and ripped out my ugly shrub and dug me a big ol' hole!
(i had taken a pic of the hole with my phone... but it didn't turn out :( i dunno why?)
The next thing i did was get some of that rubber liner... and if any of you are going to put in a pond... don't buy "pond liner"! Go to a place that sells roofing supplies and buy the rubber roofing stuff its called EPDM here... its thicker and WAY cheaper! I got that lil bit of advice from my mom... who has a pong and works at a place that sells roofing supplies GO FIGURE... so i also got "the hookup" and saved myself about $200! woot woot! Mom came over after work and helped me shape the big hole... we made a few shelves to sit plants on and a shallow part with a step going down to the deeper part so that it would be easy to get in and out of.... and we threw in a few rocks and added the water! once it was full... the kid wanted to swim in it lol... he asked me "is it cold mom?" and i said, "Yeah... its pretty cool." and he goes, "How cold is 'pretty cool' ?" So i told him... "Its 'hose cold' !" and my mah fell out laughing! The kid did NOT end up going for a swim!
The next day I made a run out to my aunt Deb's house to get some plants (cuz she has a pond too) and by the end of day this is where i was at...

Next i had to get a pump and build a biofilter... which sounds a LOT more complicated than it is. Fortunately for me AGAIN... my moms friend that she works with just got a new one for his pond and he gave me the old one! FOR FREE!! I LOVE FREENESS! Mom and i went out on her lunch that day and we bought the pump... i took it all home and my aunt and uncle were kind enough to come and help me hook it up, as i am not very inclined to do those things all alone... mixing water and electricity could be a very dangerous thing for me! So... its a good thing i have such a great family :)

... by the time they left on Tuesday... this is where i was at...

My aunt and uncle also picked up some pea-stone for me... which i immediately started shoveling into the pond... then i realized (once it was already too late of course!) that it was dirty as hell... and it mucked up all my water! But at least it would be running through the filter and after a few days all those suspended particles settled down.

I had to cut the reeds down so that they could grow new stuff and work on establishing some roots, they will look better by the fall i think.

Wednesday Morning... i walked outside and saw this...

I had all kids of rocks in my gardens around the house... even some flagstone... so i dug and gathered them all up and placed them neatly around the hole... it was kinda hard because most people who build a pond do it in an area that has soil all around it... but not me! lol I have to be difficult!

At any rate... in less than a week i have built myself my own little water garden !

Even the neighbours (who I was SURE hated me for some unknown reason... so i just hated them RIGHT back!) came over and told me how nice it looked, and that they loved hearing the running water from their yard... THAT shocked the hell outa me!

And now... without further adoooo...my finished product :) I know the pics kinda suck.... but i took all but the last two with my phone so... its to be expected i guess?

I'm SO proud of me! I just LOVE IT! So... this is what ive been up to this last week... when i wasn't goofing around online!